Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Long Time!

2010-05-23T22:23:00.002-04:00

It's been sooo long since I posted. We have been so busy over the last couple of month but everything is going great!! Henry is doing amazing. He is receiving Feeding, Physical and Occupational Therapies each once a week and does not seem to be far behind. He rolled over for the first time on Friday. I missed it, I had walked out of the room and when I cam back in he was no longer on his stomach. Can't believe I missed it, but I'm so psyched that he did it!!!! He is 8 months old now and weighs 11lbs. We ran into some feeding growing issues, but things seem to be back on track.

It was hard when he first came home going to constant dr's appointments, sometimes 4 a week..and dragging a toddler along. I thought this winter would be boring but it was not! The only interaction I had with people were at dr's office though, since we were to keep his pretty isolated and away from germs. It was a lonely, tiring winter, but so awesome at the same time. So many times I have said to my husband.."Can you believe we have 2 children??" It's crazy. I still can't fathom how Henry even got here!!

We went to a NICU reunion party yesterday at the hospital, it was so awesome to see some of the nurses and dr's that were by our side through those months. Thanks to FB we have been able to keep in touch with them.

I never knew when we first decided to have kids that we would go through so much. The roller coaster over the last 6 years has been nothing short of insane. Now we have these 2 beautiful children and we pretty much pinch ourselves every day.

Surgery Day

2010-03-05T08:06:00.002-05:00

He is having Bilateral Hernia surgery. Ahhhh it's nice to be back in the Nicu seeing all our favorite nurses and Drs but I wish the circumstances were different. I'm so happy we are with people who know him though. When we got here this morning we rang the bell to get into the NICU and were one of the nurses very excitedly say "They're here!!" we got such an awesome welcome.... And Henry gave his ladies a big smile!!
His IV is in....that was fun and now we are just waiting. Surgery is scheduled for 8:15. .. it's 8:30 now and nothing happening.
Luckily he is asleep, he actually slept through the night last night, 11-5!!

What a Difference 2 Years Makes

2010-02-23T22:46:00.005-05:00

Two years ago today Jamie and I heard the worst words ever "I'm sorry, there is no longer a heartbeat.." And that was it, our world came crashing down on us. We had been through so much to get pregnant with that baby boy, that to lose him was pain like I've never known. I was just about 5 months pregnant. His name was Sam.

I don't feel sorry about what happened because without that loss we would not have the 2 precious gifts we have now. But I do often wonder about him, especially since Henry was born...what would he have looked like, who would he have looked like.

I wish someone could have told me 2 years ago that every thing would be ok, but honestly I think I knew that. However, I never would have dreamed that we would now have 2 children. It's absolutely amazing what can happen in such a short period of time with a little hope and faith. ;)

18 Months Old!!

2010-02-22T09:44:00.000-05:00

A year ago at her 6 month appointment!! lol

I can not believe Bella is already 18 months old. Time truely does fly when you are having fun. Jamie and I can not believe how much she has changed recently. When she wakes up from her naps I feel like even her hair grew in that hour!! I honestly do not think a day has passed where she has not made us laugh, she is such a happy funny goof ball! She does not stop moving from the second she wakes up until she lays her head down. I was hoping to put her in some type of tumbling class but after one family outing to the mall resulted in us getting the stomach virus I decided to wait. Luckily Henry did not get the bug, which lasted for 5 days! We can't risk him getting sick right now, so she'll just have to keep bouncing off the furniture, which she does soooo well! One more snow storm this week and then hopefully we can start going out to get some fresh air, it's been a LONG winter!

Bella had her 18 month appt today, luckily she only needed one shot! Barely phased her.
Afterwards her and I went to the park and then to lunch. It was such a nice day. It really made me realize how big she is getting. No strollers, no bottles...now if we could do no diapers that would be awesome! No rush though. we're just enjoying every minute.

5 Months Today!!!!

2010-02-20T10:16:00.004-05:00

WOW, I totally can not believe it has been 5 months since Henry was born. 5 months since I woke up Saturday, September 20th and had trouble breathing, no clue that that was the signal that the pregnancy was about to be finished for better or worse. 5 months of insanity, tears, smiles, fear, love, laughter, anxiety, family, friends, new and old, and lots of compassion. It's been an amazing experience, not all bad, definetly not all good, but none the less an experience. And because of the little prince sleeping peacefully next to me, I wouldn't change a minute of it.

Lots of new things going on. Most exciting is Henry hit the 10lb mark this week!!!!! So exciting. He has had a rough couple of weeks, with feeding and reflux. We had been trying new formulas trying to find one that works for him and in the process he ended up losing weight. But we are back on track now, he is eating pretty well. He still has some difficulties so we will be having an Early Intervention (EI) speech/feeding evaluation soon...hopefully we can get him some help. When babies have feeding issues, it tends to lead to speech issues later on.
We had a conference yesterday with the EI people regarding his OT/PT services and he was approved for once a week for a year! That is so awesome considering we were told he might only receive it once a month since he was doing so well. It's great that he is doing well, but things can change so quickly at this age, we don't want to miss anything. And babies born under 1000 kg have a very high risk for issues...he was 945g.
He has also been off oxygen for almost a week!!

Bella will be 18 months tomorrow, crazy how time flies :)

Exciting Stuff!!

2010-02-01T17:42:00.005-05:00

HENRY SMILES!!!!

All of a sudden Saturday he just started smiling. He has done "gas" smiles since he was in the hostpital but this was acutally a social smile. Jamie and I were so excited, normally you have to wait 6-8 weeks to see your baby smile.. we have been waiting months. It was so awesome. The above picture was at the pediatricians office, she saw it too, so we're not crazy! lol

Speaking of pediatricians office, I went all by myself today. I actually had anxiety dreams about how I would accomplish this....could I manage both babies? would the new monster double stroller even fit in the elevator at the office?? It did! There was a whole lot of "You can do this" haha and I did. People probably thought I was nuts, because I WAS talking to myself, alot. We made it on time and everything. Henry now weighs 9 lbs 9oz. His growth this time was not as big as in the past couple of weeks, but we kind of expected that since he is spitting up so much because of the acid reflux and his gag reflexes. We are going back to the Gastro Dr tomorrow, maybe she will increase the prevacid dosage or we'll switch formulas. Then in the afternoon we have the Physical Therapy evaluation at Blythdale Childrens Hospital. Luckily my mom is coming tomorrow to watch Bella and Jamie is taking the day off to go to the appointments. (Right now he is test driving a MINIVAN! haha...I'm actually so excited.)

Henry is doing awesome with his oxygen! Saturday night we actually had him off for 8 hours, and then a couple more on Sunday, he tolerated it really well. We are just testing it little by little.

Bella has been amazing through all of this, she is very interested in Henry...in the picture below she is actually standing ON his oxygen tank trying to get a peek at him.

MAC & Dr's

2010-01-20T22:54:00.005-05:00

So if you know me or you have read this blog you know that a couple months ago i spilled soda on my new Macbook and killed it. We took it to Apple and they told me there was nothing they could do. I was so upset because there were pictures of Henry on there that we had not backed up. Fast forward to last week, we finally decided to order a new one. It was delivered yesterday, I was soooo excited. I waited all day to have some free time to open it up. After I put Bella to bed I finally got my chance. I was sitting at the dining room table playing around when Jamie in. He picked up our dead Apple and jokingly said "this one is mine" and then he hit the on button. He jumped back....the thing had turned on! Now, honestly we tried to turn it on 100's of times in the past couple of months, hoping that something like that would happen. It took buying a new one for it to work! LOL We were so happy, everything was still on there, we did not lose any of the photos!! Now Jamie really can have a Mac of his own ;) That's good, because we are not very good at sharing computers!!

HENRY & BELLA AT THE DR'S OFFICE

Henry has been busy with Dr's appts. Last Thursday we went to the Pediatrician for his RSV vaccination, thank God it finally came in. He weighed 8 lbs 9oz. Friday we went to the Retina Specialist, he said his eyes are the same (which is good) and to come back next week. Yesterday he went to the GI specialist, she increased his Prevacid, which will hopefully will help with the reflux. She said it usually takes about 2 weeks for any benefits to really be noticed. She wants us to see a Feeding Specialist/Speech Pathologist. Henry and alot of preemies tend to always be pushing things out of their mouth, so when he is eating a lot of formula is being pushed back out and he is having trouble keeping the binkie in. At that appt he weighted 9 1/2 lbs!!! He is gaining so quickly! I can't imagine what his weight would be if he wasn't puking half of it up ;)

HENRY'S 1ST PEDIATRICIAN APPT

Today we saw a Pulminologist, she said she heard some wheezing but his lungs sounded clear, which is awesome. He has a slight cough as well so she decided to put him back on a Nebulizer. He is having surgery in a couple of weeks for his hernia and she wants him in the best condition possible before then. She said we really need to continue limiting the number of people he is around and those that are must wash their hands every time before they hold him. I think my hands might just shrivel up and fall off soon from all the washing. Although he looks awesome he really still is a sick kid and it's good that someone reminds us of that so we don't get to relaxed in how we handle him.

HENRY AT THE EYE DR'S

No Dr's appointments tomorrow..WOO HOO! Friday we have the eye dr and then we go to Blythdale for his medical evaluation for Early Intervention.

Bella has been amazing through all of this. She really seems to love him...when she is paying attention! She loves to use his swing for her dolls, lol. She is tall enough now that she gets on her tippy toes to look at him in the pack and play..it's too cute. No matter how tired I am she can still get me to laugh, she is hilarious and has so much energy it's amazing. I wish we could put her in some kind of tumbling classes, I think she would LOVE it, but they want us to limit the amount of activity outside the house and interaction she has with other little kids at least until the winter is over. Today my mom and I took her to the mall and let her wander around, she loves her freedom..as Im sure most kids do.

Henry...go to sleep!!

2010-01-12T22:59:00.002-05:00

I'm not complaining..how could I? I'm lying in bed while someone else is taking care of my son, but he is crying and I can't fall asleep while he crys. Oh! And now the monitor is going off...he really needs to calm down!

The nursing thing is working out really well. Since Henry has come home from the hospital he has decided the only way he will sleep is if he is on someones chest, so getting any kind of sleep at night is not an option. I was going to have the nursing switched to days next week so I could take bell out and do stuff but if I'm not getting any sleep then we won't be going anywhere anyway, so I called today and made all the shifts night shifts.

It's kind of weird having a stranger in your house. The first night we had a nurse I was sooo excited to finally get sleep. However right before bed I freaked myself out with the whole stranger in my house thing, which then turned into..this woman is going to steal my kids while we sleep!!!! No lie, I'm insane. I sent jamie a text from bed telling him to go write down her license plate!!! And then I sent my sister a text telling her how nuts I was and now I was not going to get the sleep I was desperatly needing! Her reply was a stream of "haha"s followed in the morning by a text asking if she'd taken my kids. LOL

I'm getting over my little issue now and finally starting to get sleep. I need sleep, Henry has 50 million Dr's appointments each week. Ok, so maybe not that many but he does see 6 different drs...how can an 8lb boy have 6 drs?? We found out yesterday he needs hernia surgery. Go figure. We need to wait till he is more stable but not too long as to where the hernia becomes a serious problem. The surgery will be end of Feb beginning of March..and he'll have to spend 24 hours in the hospital..ugh. Oh well, other than that he is doing well. So far his eyes are looking better. We see the Retina Specialist every week for another 10 weeks. His acid reflux is pretty bad, he makes these horrible gagging sounds, looks so painful.

Despite all that crap, he's really cute and loves to cuddle so I'm happy :)
Bella seems happy with him , soon enough they will be playing together!

PTSD

2010-01-10T15:12:00.004-05:00

Wow, it went quick but looking back it was long! I can't believe Henry has only been home a little over a week, it feels like he's always been here or more like he was just born. I find it funny to look at him and say he is 4 months old, he's so little he looks like a newborn. The time we spent in the NICU feels like a different lifetime. From the time I got pregnant I dreaded the last trimester, getting huge and uncomortable and not sleeping, all that stuff I was so not looking forward too..i'm sure no one does. Well I did get to avoid that but I had my own kind of hellish third trimester. I've had more than a few people joke with me about how i've 2 kids and managed to avoid stretch marks..while this is true (and I'd be lying if i said i wasn't thrilled about that!!LOL)nothing in life is free. I might have said this before but it's so true that i'll say it again, I have more internal scars than had i gained 100lbs and gone full term with 2 kids. These scars will never go away, but like stretch marks, they will fade.

I actually still get sad when someone in real life or even on TV gets pregnant. I honestly have to remind myself that I have 2 kids and that one of them I actually did carry and give birth too. The pain was with me for so long, that my brain hasn't really totally caught up with reality. Then again my reality is not the norm. I had a baby in Septmeber, I didn't get to hold him until October, didn't give him a bath or bottle until November and did not get to take him home until the last day of Decemeber. I didn't have the beautiful birth experience that I had been so excited for. My brain does not even really comprehend the C section, it was all so crazy, it kind of felt like he was just taken from me in the middle of the night.

Stomach there, stomach gone.

Kind of reminds me of when I lost the baby last year. I had a belly, i went in to surgery came out belly gone, baby gone. And all that happened at Columbia. Henry was born in Westchester but by the end of the day he was at Columbia. So like I've said this week has been full of different emotions.

Someone at Columbia and at Northern Westchester gave us an article that was in the NY Times about the NICU Experience and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I read it and found it interesting but as I was going through the experience I couldn't really understand it, but I think I'm getting it now. When something traumatic is going on in your life your main goal is to survive. Not think, not dwell, not cry just survive. You guard yourself so much because it feels like if you let a little crack start then it's over...you totally fall apart and won't know how to deal with the actual situation. Or atleast that's my interpreation and that's how I felt. I didn't want to talk about anything to do with Henry besides the facts. I told people what was going on and then added, he's fine or he's doing great. When I didn't really know. But i didn't want pity or sadness, it might have killed me. Jamie and I both just felt we needed to be strong and deal with things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

Now the craziness is over, life is quieter...which lets your head wander more. Now I think about all the what if's. And it scares the hell out of me.

Henry still needs a lot of help. He is still on Oxygen, although very low amount, which is awesome. But his eyes are still a small concern, he needs hernia surgery, he will be seeing a GI speicialist, a Pulminary Speciaist, OT, PT and maybe speech.

So I guess we still take it one day at a time. Henry is here, Bella is here and both are amazing. The past 3 years are so insane it makes my head spin and the future is the future so why bother worrying about that. We're doing our best to get used to our new normal and enjoying our family. It's kind of awesome, still can't believe it's real :)

NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

After 102 days we are Home Sweet Home :)

2010-01-06T22:08:00.003-05:00

Day 1: 2lbs 1oz and 14 inches

Day 102: 7lbs 8oz and 20 inches

So much to say. Our stay at the hospital was filled with so many different emotions. On top of finally getting to spend the night with our son, we had to organize nursing home care, set up the oxygen company, he needed to pass his hearing test and eye exam, get circumsized and say goodbye to the people who had taken such amazing care of him and us. Taking down all the stuff we had hung in his crib was really emotional.
Putting him in the car for the first time and leaving the hospital WITH him, was so amazing...we had talked about this day for months. I still can't quite comprehend I gave birth to a baby in September and took him home on New Years Eve. I think that is starting to hit me now that the craziness is over..it's not that easy to deal with, but he is here and that's the most important thing.
We haven't gotten much sleep since he came home but it's been amazing none the less. Bella is awesome with him, very curious, a few pokes here and nothing crazy. She is really interested in his monitor, every time it beeps she's says "what's that?" (and it beeps ALOT!). He sleeps ok through the night, the monitor is the thing that really keeps me awake...it's attached to his foot, measuring his oxygen saturation levels and every time he moves it freaks out beeping because it can't get a read. I will not miss that thing. Hopefully he does not need it very long.
Having him come home on o2 was very intimidating, and overwhelming but we are getting used to it. We had an infant CPR class at our house this past weekend for us and our parents. Hopefully we never need it, but atleast we all know what to do now.

We are so happy he is home!!! Sometimes I pretend that we was born last week and the previous 3 months never happened...sometimes I succeed in convincing myself if only for a moment :)

Pictures!!

2010-01-06T20:44:00.000-05:00

Henry Coming Home!

Day 100: headed to the hospital!!!!

2009-12-29T12:13:00.004-05:00

Hospital bag is packed and we are having a baby! ! Lol or that's what it feels like! We are headed down now to spend the next two days with Henry. They were putting us in the NICU private room but since H is still on o2 we will be stayng in one of the post partum rooms since they have o2 hook ups there.
SO you know what that means????I am going to get my family picture in the hospital bed that I wanted to badly...maybe I'll even slip on one of those awful hospital gowns! :) I wish Bella could be in the picture but the hospital is closed to anyone under 18 due to
Flu season. :(
The plan is to take Henry home on Thursday. .aka New Years Eve!!!!!
He was supposed to have his eye exam yesterday but the specialist cancelled... H

Day 99: OMG!!!!!

2009-12-27T21:00:00.002-05:00

Sorry for not posting, things have been really busy. The better Henry has gotten the more time we have been spending at the hospital, feeding him, bathing him and just really getting comfortable with him.
About 2 weeks ago they decided to start weaning him off CPAP, cutting it by an hour each night. They stopped when he was at 3 hours, it was actually annoying him more than it was worth at that point. So they left at if he needed it, he would be put back on but otherwise leave him on just o2. I think it's been a week now, and he is going great.
Last week they started using the word "soon" in reference to him going home, but with no commitment to a date. They also had us start getting ready. We are in the process of setting up at home nursing assistance since he will be on oxygen. We don't know how long he will need it but we'll only have the overnight nursing for about 2-3 weeks, just to help us adjust and make sure we are comfortable.
His eye exam last monday went great! The left eye was the same and the right eye had gotten better so the Retina Specialist said the chances of surgery were low.
He might have a hernia, we'll find out more about this this week. If he does require surgery for that, it will be at a later date when he is more stable.

So now for the good news...he is coming home this week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I talked to the dr today and she said as long as the eye exam goes well tomorrow he will be home by Friday!!!! If not sooner!
Jamie and I are going to spend the night at the hospital Tuesday and Wednesday. They have a special room for babies and parents to stay in right before they go home. The dr said we could start tomorrow but we are honestly not ready at home!LOL This is earlier than we expected, so we're going a little crazy!

We are so excited, can not believe that after all this time Henry will be coming home. As of last night he weighed 6lbs 14oz, they haven't weighed him yet tonight.

Gotta go, lots to do. OMG, we're having a baby!! LOL ;)

Day 88

2009-12-16T21:11:00.002-05:00

The dr's most recent orders for Henry were nasal cannula during the day and CPAP at night...do not wake him to switch back and forth..he needs his sleep. Soo last night, not sure what happened or who decided what but someone other than the Dr decided to keep him on the nasal cannula for the night because he was doing so well. That's great that he was doing so well, but he was doing great a couple of weeks ago too when they tried that and he went backwards. Now they are trying to slowly wean him instead of just stopping. The nasal cannula just provides him with a little o2, the CPAP is pressurized oxygen that can actually aid in the repair of his lungs.
So i was pretty pissed when I went in this morning. I asked the dr if he changed the orders, he said no, i told him what happened last night. I said I want my son home, so do whatever he needs to make him better..and make sure the nurses are following your orders.
And then Henry is supposed to have physical therapy every M,W,F...no one could tell me if he was getting it. The nurse called the PT office and no one called her back and no therapist showed up.
I'm at the hospital alot. I guess I need to be there more, because I do want him home and I want to make sure everyone else is on that same page. I'm tired, enough of this.

He had another eye exam tonight and the Retina Specialist is starting to see a possible problem. He has been coming once a week but he said he'd be back before monday to check on it again. It's called Retinopathy of Prematuriy, it's not a huge deal since it is being watch so closely but if it gets worse he will have to have laser surgery. Prematurity and massive amounts of o2 for the last 3 months are the cause of it. Hopefully his eyes will be fine though :)

Day 87

2009-12-15T21:19:00.002-05:00

Henry is doing great. He has been off the feeding tube for a full week and drinking like a champ. He drinks anywhere from 2-3oz. He is still on CPAP. They were alternating between that and the nasal cannula every 1.5hrs but it was actually wearing him out waking him up so often..."don't wake a sleeping baby..." so he was not doing so great for a few days. They decided to keep him on the cannula during the day, CPAP at night and just let him sleep. When he wakes up, he eats..no more waking him up. This seems to be working really well, he seems very happy. He looks great when he doesn't have all the tubes and crap on his face. I'm so happy that during the day I get to stare at his face..makes things a little easier.

He officially hit the 6lbs mark this weekend..so awesome. Eating and growing are 2 things that can be a problem with preemies..not this kid!

Yesterday was my official due date. I didn't write because i didn't really want to think about it. I don't honestly know what to think about it. I was supposed to have a baby yesterday, but he came 3 months early, he was supposed to be home yesterday but we're being told he still has "weeks" to go. So I just keep focusing on the fact that although he is sick, he is here, he will be coming home and he WILL get better.

We went to an information session yesterday on Early Intervention it was very informative. They are saying based on the fact of his size, being a micropreemie, he is guarenteed to have some kind of issues, but there are no telling what they will be and to what extent. One plus is that babies who have feeding issues are at higher risk for speech issues...he defintely does not have feeding issues so that is one thing we hopefully do not have to worry about.

Since his due was yesterday, his adjusted age is now 1 day old. That is the guideline we will be using for eating, walking, talking etc. Hopefully soon we'll start to see some smiles!!

Day 80: Awesome Day

2009-12-08T20:20:00.002-05:00

Henry has been feeding tube free for over 30 hours!!! He just decided he wants to drink all his bottles..more like chug them. It's so awesome! One more thing accomplished that we can check off the list. Today he drank 60cc's (2oz) in 20 minutes..a couple of weeks ago he was getting a fraction of that.

The Dr that was on today was saying that they are really hoping NOT to send him home on oxygen. They have only done it a few times in the past and they'd prefer not too. She said that might mean he is in the hospital a little longer but atleast when he came home we wouldn't have to deal with that! We would be so happy.

Day 79: Lots of cuddling!

2009-12-07T22:13:00.002-05:00

I spent 6 hours at the hospital today snuggled up with Henry. He is doing really well, he drank 3 straight bottles today no tube feeding while I was there!

Last week was long so I didn't have to much to write because nothing really good was going on. Henry went back on CPAP and then the Dr confirmed what we were thinking...Henry will not be home by his due date on the 14th. That was something I was not prepared to hear. In the begining when we were running on a adrenaline (and fear) and received bad news or a set back we just kept going. Well now we are running on fumes and it took a lot to bounce back from that news. I just want him home. So I spent today telling him that he needs to be home by Christmas.

We are starting to understand that when he comes home it is not like bringing a newborn home...he is coming home on Oxygen, and will need Early Intervention services (occupational, physical and speech therapies). It's amazing how they have been telling us this for weeks but we are just starting to wrap our heads around it now. We have no idea to what level he will need these services, we'll see as he grows how much help he needs.

We also just found out we might qualify for nursing services...like OVERNIGHT nursering services. THat is the only good thing to come out of all this crap. We might actually get to sleep at night knowing a professional is taking care of our son. That will be a huge relief if we qualify because otherwise there is no way I am leaving him alone, which means I will not be leaving the housee all winter since he is not allowed to with exception to his Dr's appointments...and sleep? i highly doubt either one of us would get much sleep when we are checking every 2 seconds to make sure he is breathing. I kind of wish we could bring all the monitors home with us!!!

Day 71: 10 Weeks....a whole summer vacation

2009-11-29T21:26:00.002-05:00

I can not fathom that it has been 10 weeks since Henry entered this world. Nor can I fathom that we have visiting a hospital daily for 10 weeks to see our son. You'd think it gets easier but it defintely does not. If I was still pregnant I would be huge and uncomfortable but atleast I would know the end is in sight. I don't know when this ends. When he finally does come home a whole new chapter begins. I'm so excited for that but the thought is also very overwhelming.

The dr told me on Thanksgiving that Henry is most likely coming home on oxygen. He said he has only done this 4 times in 16 years but our son really needs it. He is doing great with his feedings (with a major exception today) and he is gaining weight so the only thing holding him back is crappy lungs.

We had a little setback yesterday. He was having difficulty maintaining his oxygen levels on the nasal cannual (nose prongs) so they decided to put him back on CPAP. The dr had told me yesterday afternoon that this was a possiblity and by last night it was reality. Driving in today I was not looking forward to seeing him back on his scuba gear. It's a reminder that he has problems. When he just had the little prongs, we could see his face and it was so much nicer. When i got to the NICU today I even hestitated before i went to his crib...ugh. One of the nurses told me she wanted to cry when she came in and saw him..join the club. She said her and 3 other nurses had a long stern talk with Henry this morning..i thought that was cute.

We took him off CPAP for his noon feeding and he was doing pretty well with me holding the o2 near his face. He CHUGGED 3/4th of the bottle in 5 minutes and then choked and then stopped breathing in my arms and turned blue. The nurse came right over suctioned his mouth and he was back to pink cheeks very quickly. so much fun.
We gave him a break and then i gave him back the bottle to finsh, which he did..and then he spit it back up, a little even got in my eye. Good times.

So then i held him skin to skin for about 45 minutes with just the oxygen but his o2 saturation level hovered around 80 instead of high 90's and then he went down in the 70's the alarms started beeping and we decided to put him back in his crib on CPAP.

I left pretty soon after because i felt the damn rising..........

Two steps forward, one step back.

Day 68: Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2009-11-26T21:20:00.003-05:00

1
OUR FIRST FAMILY PHOTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was awesome, we were allowed to bring Bella in and we took our first family photo. It was soo awesome to finally be able to do that!!!

Went down to the hospital in the morning to feed him, he took a whole bottle again! Jamie came down with Bella and my parents and we quickly snuck her in. She seemed only slightly interested in him, all the crying babies and monitors held her attention much more LOL

After the hostpital we went to my cousins for Thanksgiving dinner. We had such a great time, it was so awesome to see everyone and just relax. Bella had an awesome time playing with the kids!

We quick stopped back at the hospital on our way home to say goodnight, he just looks so good!

I am so thankful for so much, we have such amazing family and friends!! And the fact that we have two children I still think is unbelievable!!! We are so blessed. We will get through whatever challenges lay ahead for Henry, hopefully there are not many.

Day 67: What a week!!

2009-11-25T15:13:00.003-05:00

In the past week Henry has literally turned the corner! He is off CPAP and he drank his first bottle!!! AND last night he weighed 4 pounds 15 ounces...he might be 5lbs for Thanksgiving!!!

He is loving being off CPAP and having those tubes..or "scuba gear" as my dad calls it, no longer shoved up his nose..so much happier. He has small prongs up his nose now called nasal cannula, they supply him with a little oxygen assistance but everything else he is doing on his own. Finally his lungs are working correctly! His feeding tube is also out of his mouth and going in through his nose, i think that makes him a lot happier as well, having nothing in his mouth.

I called Monday morning to check on him and his nurse says to me "He is so awesome..he drank the whole bottle!" I was shocked, the day before he drank 3cc's, and the very next day he chugged 35! That is so amazing! We had been warned that babies having difficulty when it comes to feeding and this sometimes can take a while. On Tuesday we tried but because he gets a little rice cereal with his formula it kept clogging although he was sucking really hard he didn't get anything and then he got tired so we finished the feed through the tube. Yesterday he wasn't interested and last night he was exhausted from an eye exam so the nurse didn't want to push him anymore. Today I got in for his 9am feeding and he downed 40 cc's! I know it probably doesn't sound that amazing, but in his short little life this is a MAJOR accomplishment!!!!!!! GO HENRY!!!!

Day 60: He's so awesome

2009-11-19T22:53:00.004-05:00

Great day with Henry today! We did kangaroo for 2 hours...my butt and arms were sooo sore. 4 pounds doesn't sound like alot but my arm will highly disagree! He slept the whole time i was holding him and his lungs stayed very saturated off the machine, I held oxygen close to his face to help him out a little but he did so good! He is loving his new crib, he looks so happy and much more comfortable.

They took him off Zantax and put him on Prilosac, it's a different type of medicine for acid reflux..hopefully it does the trick because he is still uncomfortable when eating. His oxygen assistance is at 26-30, regular air is 21..so we're getting
close(er). He tried the bottle again today and did pretty good, they are not actually trying to feed him with it they just give him a little to get used to the taste and having something in his mouth. He also has to learn how to suck, swallow and breath all at once..this could take a bit of time. The rest of his feedings are still by tube which goes directly to his stomach.

He is now 4lbs 10.8oz!!!!!!!! Absolutely amazing!

Best laid plans...

2009-11-19T22:23:00.002-05:00

Walking into the hospital this morning I saw yet another happy grandparent walking out with balloons and flowers...trailing not far behind them the happy couple carrying their baby in the car seat. I swear I must arrive every day at discharge time...
I know our time is coming but it also reminds me of the way things didn't go. When we finally settled into the idea of being pregnant i was soooo excited to be "normal". We did it on our own, no drugs, no accupuncture, no prodecures, no drs, no nurses...100% natural...I can't even begin to describe how shocking that is to me even now.
Soon after becoming pregnant i thought about the delivery...I was so excited. I pretty much thought I would never have this opportunity again and I was so thrilled to be blessed with this chance. I also even thought for one totally insane moment about not having drugs...really experiencing birth and feeling everything...and then my sanity came back. Even with drugs I knew the experience would be amazing. After the baby was born they would immediately put him in my arms, and we'd all cry just like on TV. Then the grandparents would come and lots of visitors and the room would be filled with balloons and flowers from everyone who was so thrilled for us. And I would finally get the picture I had been imagining for months...me, Jamie, Bella and our new baby all curled up in my hospital bed with HUGE smiles on our faces. Our first family photo.

Best laid plans......

I have thought about this over and over and I get upset each time. I feel robbed. I feel robbed of the remainder of my pregnancy and of all the joyful moments that so many others get to experience. It's the little stuff sometimes that can mean so much.

BUT, as I start to get upset I remember that we now have a daughter and a son and we are SO lucky. That's the big important stuff that far out shadows the little lost moments.

Jamie and I finally have the family we have dreamed of and talked about for years, and soon we will finally have our first family photo.

Day 58: CRIB!!!

2009-11-17T20:04:00.004-05:00

I walked into the NICU today and I asked the nurse how Henry was as I was putting my stuff in the locker, she said look for yourself. I look passed her and there he is in a CRIB! No more incubator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is huge!!! They also have him in a baby seat so he is sitting more up right, hoping this would help with the reflux. He seemed very happy in it! I held him for a while, he actually held his oxygen tube, it was cute. He was off CPAP and doing really well.
Dr Wong, the respitory specialist and world renown Dr and creator of CPAP came to see him today. He had cared for Henry while he was a Columbia and he was at this hospital giving a lecture on CPAP so he stopped by. He was very impressed with his size, and commented on his growing cheeks :)

He had an eye exam yesterday and so far everything still looks good. The eye dr will be back next week to check again. Poor thing hates having his eyes dialated though!

Yesterday he had his first bath. I was so excited at first that he had a bath and got to get out of the incubator but then i was bummed because I had missed it! I wish they had called to tell me they were going to do it. The nurses took a bunch of pictures to give to us which was nice. Tomorrow he is going to attempt to start on the botte...I made the nurse leave a note on his crib that says "Do not bottle feed Henry until mommy arrives!" No way am I missing another first.

8 Weeks Old

2009-11-16T08:50:00.005-05:00

Day 1

Day 56

Last week was a crazy long week. Henry developed acid reflux which lead to a few episodes of him puking up his formula, gagging on it, which lead to him holding his breath and then his heart rate dropping. They started him on Zantax and added rice cereal to his formula in order to thicken it. Both seem to be helping because the episodes got progressively better as the week went on but still happened. It happened to Jamie and I both while we were holding him, he would start gagging and turn purple and then ashy...so scary. Over the weekend they decided to have a GI specialist come take a look at him today and see if there are any actual problems.

I turned 35 last week! We went out saturday night and my husband made plans for our friends to meet us out. I was surprised and so happy! We had a great time and I am so thankful to have such awesome family and friends. We both feel bad though, our brains are totally fried and there are people we would have loved to have seen but totally forgot to get in touch :(

CONGRATULATIONS to Mike & Kim Machiski on the birth of their twin daughters Emma & Maddy 11/14/09. And to Jeanna & John Donelan on the birth of their daughter Addison 11/15/09. Henry now has LOTS of girls to choose from ;)

Day 52: Rough Day

2009-11-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

SO i came in this morning to see Henry around 9:45 when I got here they told me I couldn't come in to the NICU (AGAIN!) because they were doing a procedure. I said I'd come back in a bit because I was going to the NICU parents meeting from 10-11. I went to the meeting it was great. It was good to see kids who have been in Henry's position doing so well now. It was also hard because it made everything seem real. I've been going through all this thinking atleast he doesn't have cancer or something else, at least he is going to be ok. I haven't really been allowing myself to think that this is HELL and it's not fair to be going through this. Which I guess is all good, but i guess it's good to also validate that it sucks and it's ok to be upset..and no it's not fair he got so sick.

So after the meeting I went back to the NICU and as soon as I walked in the Dr came right over. She told me the reason they couldn't let me in was because Henry has stopped breathing and they were trying to revive him. They said he started gagging and puked up all his food and at some point he just stopped breathing and turned blue. They had to "bag" him for 2 minutes before he started breathing again. They don't know if there will be any repercussions from it...but as the day went on he was fine. I held him for a long time and he was absolutely fine. I'm spent. Seriously spent.

When he was first born and it was all crazy and he was so sick it was easier to deal with things because we were in the "crazy mode" every day was something and you just dealt with it. Now he is supposed to be on the up swing, we're not supposed to be worried every day...everything is supposed to be fine now. Or so we thought. He is fine now, sleeping very nicely.

Jamie and I have been here all day now. We just went to dinner and then got ice cream while the nurses did their shift change. If i ring that bell again and they won't let us in I might lose it...

Day 51

2009-11-10T16:16:00.002-05:00

Henry is doing awesome. His incubator is at room temprature and he is maintaining his own temp..which is another big step. Hopefully soon he can come out of it and into a crib. But there is no rush, and he's pretty comfortable now. He is being fed 39cc's of formula and weighs 1898 grams..4.18lbs.

I came in around noon and held him for about an hour and a half..so cute, eyes wide open. About half way through the little bugger, started holding his breath, his heart rate dropped way down and he turned purple. He was pooping. Or at least thats what the nurse believe happened. She said I handled it really well...it's been about 2 hours and I don't think I've gotten over it lol. SO FREAKIN SCARY. He is NOT allowed to do that when he comes home. Holding breath not allowed.

I just went for a long walk and when I came back I was told they were not admitting visitors to the NICU (visitors??) the nurse came too the door and told me Henry was fine, but there was another baby that suddenly wasn't doing well and no one was allowed in. I feel for that family so much. Babies should be fine, babies should not get sick.

I need him to come home where he belongs. 8 weeks of hospitals is getting old...and years of nurses and doctors is REALLY old. :) But it's fine...he'll be home soon enough. Healthy.

Day 50: I cried

2009-11-07T19:19:00.002-05:00

..but not because of Henry..but because I spilled soda on my brand new Mac book and the guy at the store told me it was dead. I wanted that thing for so long and I'm so pissed at myself. I'm clumsy, I should have known better. SUCKS! Did I really need that????????????? We lost some pictures of Henry too, not happy.

So now I'm at the hospital using the computer in the NICU "Family Room". The nurses are doing shift change right now so I can't go in.

Jamie came to see him this morning, he got to hold him..he was very happy. His O2 has been around 30-35 since he got here and it was in the high 20's at Columbia so they have been trying to figure out why he went backwards a little and needed extra oxygen. They took a chest xray yesterday and said his lungs looked a little cloudy. They had stopped the diuretic when he got here but they gave it to him again yesterday in hopes of getting some of that extra fluid out of his lungs. He is almost up to 1oz of formula..which is pretty cool!

7:25...5 more minutes and I can go in and see him. I hope I can hold him, we both need it.

49 Days Old: Kangaroo Care

2009-11-06T19:15:00.000-05:00

Today I got to do kangaroo care with Henry. It is where you hold the baby skin to skin, there have been studies showing this can have a dramatic positive effect on the health of a baby. And anyone who saw Grey's Anatomy last night and saw Karev (sp?) doing it sawgreatly exaggerated TV version lol but still the point is the benefit for the baby..and mom. I cried. I couldn't help it. I'm so afraid to cry, I'm so tired, feel so beat and yet so happy all at once that I'm not sure what would happen if i started.

45 Days: Half Way There

2009-11-04T17:08:00.002-05:00

Henry is back in Westchester!!! He is now 30 minutes away instead of an hour and he is half way to his due date...so hopefully he will be home in 6 weeks!!!

The news that he was leaving Columbia came so suddenly that it was a bit shocking for us, even though we were happy about it, we had gotten comfortable there and it is the best hospital in the area. Yesterday we were both pretty anxious waiting for the transfer to happen. The last time he went in an ambulance we were scared out of our minds about what was happening, we were even told there was the possiblity he might not survive the transfer down to the city so while yesterdays was a different story it still brought a lot of anxiety with it. It didn't help that it was supposed to happen at 11 and I was still pacing our house at 12 waiting for the call he was on his way.

He finally made it safe and sound to Northern Westchester in the early afternoon. The nurses there are wonderful. They remember us...I don't remember crap LOL

We are soooo happy to be back!!

43 Days

2009-11-02T18:06:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is the big day!! He is going back to the hospital where he was born. So excited!!
Nothing new and exciting today...which is very exciting in itself :) He is up to 23 cc's of formula...started at 3 goal is to get to 33, they are uping it 1cc every 3 hours. The PIC line is out, which is awesome. A few of the babies have gotten the infection that he had a couple of weeks ago so as a precaution they all are getting bathed with a special soap and an ointment put in their nose. The infection lives on the skin, so hopefully that will take care of it. He does not have another infection, it is just a precaution.

Tomorrow he is being transported at 11am. We are so excited!! Everyone at Columbia was awesome, they were so great with Henry and really good to Jamie and I, we are so appreciative of that, it will be nice to be closer to home though.

6 Weeks Old!!!

2009-11-01T13:46:00.003-05:00

I can not believe Henry is 6 weeks old, it's amazing. He is now 3lbs 7oz!!!

Jamie talked to the nurse this morning and he said that during rounds the Dr said they are thinking about sending him back to Westchester on TUESDAY! Holy Crap! I can't believe it...he's come so far!! We'll find out tomorrow what the actual plan is.

DAY 42: Daddy got to hold him today!!

2009-11-01T10:49:00.002-05:00

Today was great, Jamie got to hold Henry for the first time and change his diaper!!! He is doing soooo awesome. He is on 23-28% oxygen which is so far from when he started. His feeds are up to 11 cc's every 3 hours..they started at 4 cc's. When the Dr's did rounds there used to be a whole entourage with them for all the different things wrong with him and it would take about 20-30 minutes to go over everything and figure out the next steps...yesterday there were 3 people and it took 2 minutes...goal of the day, up his feeds and get him to poop! That is along way from get him to breath and fix his heart...(cry)..i'm just amazed at all this. The Dr said the other day to start thinking about taking him back to NICU in the hostpital where he was born...I was the one that stopped breathing at that point. I can't believe he is doing that good. I'm so psyched...he is no longer the "sick" kids...they don't use words like "severe" when talking about him. Awesome. He does still have Chronic Lung Disease, his lungs will take a very long time to repair but other than that things are great.

He wore a onsie for the first time today...crazy!! It was preemie size and big on him, lol :)

It was also Halloween today, we had so much fun going out with Bella and our neighbors. Bell got all into it, loved the independence of walking up and down the street alone...she actually walked up to houses by herself! It was great!

Day 38

2009-10-27T21:08:00.002-04:00

The past week has held a lot of ups and downs. Just a week ago Henry had the surgery to close the hole in his heart, that went great. Then on Thursday they took him off the ventilator and put him on oxygen assistance, CPAP. That was great for 24 hours and then he got really tired so they needed to add some more help and give him a few breaths from the ventilator. Then on Sunday we called to check in on him and we found out there was another large air bubble in his right lung and it was threatening to collapse the lung so they had to put another chest tube in. On Monday, the bubble had not gone away so they removed the chest tube and did it again to place it better....ugh POOR kid!!!

Today was much better. His xray this afternoon showed the air bubble was mostly gone and they will take the chest tube out tomorrow!! The Dr said his lungs sounded really good. They also started feeding him. It's a small amount and they said its going to take a while for his gut and intestines to figure out what they are supposed to do since he is an "old" baby who has not been really fed much yet his body is basically clueless on what to do with it. As it is, he is too young to actually take a bottle (he doesn't know how to suck, swallow and breath at the same time) so there is a tube that is in his stomach which feeds him.

I can not wait for him to come home and be done with all this. He needs a break, but we know everything they are doing is making him healthy so he can come home.

Yesterday he was 33 weeks gestation...so maybe we only have another 7 weeks. Maybe.

"

day 34: Extubation!

2009-10-23T10:41:00.009-04:00

Henry's face, finally!!!!!
First picture with Mommy & Daddy

Henry on CPAP

11am: dr just did rounds and said it's time. My stomach is freaking out as much as it was prior to the surgery. He doesnt always feel like breathing on his own and that is what he's going to have to do from now on. We grilled the Dr about what happens to make sure he is ok and she said they watch him extra close and jump when the alarms go off....now they hardly flinch when he sets off the alarms because they know the ventilator will take care of his breathing.

They are planning on doing this in an hour, approx 11:30. In the mean they are giving him Caffine...yup caffine! This is to make sure the little bugger stays awake so he remembers to breathe!

8:30pm: We're home..long day, but Henry did great!!!!!!! He was taken off the ventilator today and did really well. One of the Dr's even took pictures for us when they had all the crap off his face..so nice of her. He seems soo much happier on CPAP, he no longer has a tube going all the way down, now it's 2 small prongs in his nose just giving him a little bit of oxygen. They said he might need a little more assistance tonight because he'll be so tired, but when we left he was doing good.

I got to hold him again!!!!! He was so comfy he fell asleep for a bit.

Weight 3lbs 4oz

day 34:

2009-10-23T09:28:00.002-04:00

One family is smilng because they are going home today after being here 6 weeks, another family is sitting in the lounge holding hands and looking somber, the baby next to us we just overheard is sick....it's only 9:30 in the morning. I've never felt so helpless as I do when I sit here surrounded by these little miniature people. Most of them, like Henry, can't even cry because they have tubes going down there noses or mouth. The only sound you hear is monitors beeping and the alarms when someone decides to hold their breath.

Rounds haven't started so we don't know if Henry is still going to be extubated, very anxious...we'll see.

Day 33: Resting

2009-10-22T18:38:00.002-04:00

Henry is doing good today, he was still a little out of it. They gave him morphine this morning because he looked a little uncomfortable. When the Dr came for rounds she said no more morphine since it was making him sluggish with his breathing and they needed him to work harder, he would be given Tylenol if he needed anything. He was very agitated and did not like to be bothered. He would stop breathing on his own again and set off the alarms. So i pretty much left him alone. It was hysterical though every time the Dr walked by or said something or the nurse opened his incubator he would do the same thing!! It was amazing to see how observant the little guy is. The nurse said it happens a lot with babies, they get upset after a while because they associate those sounds with someone bothering them...needles, thermometers, suctions, diaper changes, xrays...the poor kid hasn't probably gotten a full hour sleep since he was born with all that has been done to him!! :(

They said they would leave him alone as much as possible today so he could rest because hopefully tomorrow is a big day. They are going to extubate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dr is hoping to take him off the ventilator and on to CPAP tomorrow, this is HUGE!! I'm nervous though because that means he needs to breath on his own, which he isn't a fan of but the nurse assured me it's fine. He will be watched closely and his settings tonight will be dropped very low to get him used to the idea of doing the work himself.

So excited!!!!!!

Chronic Lung Disease

2009-10-21T23:04:00.011-04:00

People have been asking us what Henry has or how is he and I don't really know how to explain because he will be ok but it's going to take a long time and we have a lot to deal with before he's "ok". He has Chronic Lung Disease, not sure why the "chronic" part is there since he will eventually get better.

I have no idea how to explain it but this site literally explains what he has gone through, going through and what's to come. Hope this helps!! :-)
http://www.lpch.org/DiseaseHealthInfo/HealthLibrary/respire/cld.html

Chronic Lung Disease (Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia)

What is chronic lung disease?
Chronic lung disease (CLD) is a general term for long-term respiratory problems in premature babies. It is also known as bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD).

What causes chronic lung disease?
CLD results from lung injury to newborns who must use a mechanical ventilator and extra oxygen for breathing. The lungs of premature babies are fragile and are easily damaged. With injury, the tissues inside the lungs become inflamed and can break down causing scarring. This scarring can result in difficulty breathing and increased oxygen needs. Some of the causes of lung injury include the following:
prematurity - the lungs, especially the air sacs, are not fully developed

low amounts of surfactant (a substance in the lungs that helps keep the tiny air sacs open)

oxygen use (high concentrations of oxygen can damage the cells of the lungs)

mechanical ventilation - the pressure of air from breathing machines, suctioning of the airways, use of an endotracheal tube (ET tube - a tube placed in the trachea and connected to a breathing machine)

Who is affected by chronic lung disease?
Chronic lung disease can develop in premature babies who have had mechanical ventilation (breathing machine). Risk factors for developing CLD include:
birth at less than 34 weeks gestation

birthweight less than 2,000 grams (4 pounds 6 1/2 ounces)

hyaline membrane disease - lung disease of prematurity due to lack of surfactant that does not show the usual improvement by the third or fourth day.

pulmonary interstitial emphysema (PIE) - a problem in which air leaks out of the airways into the spaces between the small air sacs of the lungs.

patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) - a connection between the blood vessels of the heart and lungs that does not close as it should after birth.

Caucasian, male babies

maternal womb infection (chorioamnionitis)

a family history of asthma

What are the symptoms of chronic lung disease?
The following are the most common symptoms of CLD. However, each baby may experience different symptoms of the condition. Symptoms may include:
respiratory distress (rapid breathing, flaring of the nostrils, chest retractions)

continued need for mechanical ventilation or oxygen after a premature baby reaches 36 weeks gestation
Symptoms of CLD may resemble other conditions or medical problems. Always consult your baby's physician for a diagnosis.

How is chronic lung disease diagnosed?
Because CLD is a chronic disease and appears gradually, physicians must look at several factors. It is often diagnosed when a premature baby with respiratory problems continues to need additional oxygen after reaching 36 weeks gestational age. Chest x-rays compared with previous x-rays may show changes in the appearance of the lungs. The x-ray of lungs with CLD often have a bubbly, sponge-like appearance. X-rays are diagnostic tests which use invisible electromagnetic energy beams to produce images of internal tissues, bones, and organs onto film.

Treatment of chronic lung disease:
Specific treatment for CLD will be determined by your baby's physician based on:
your baby's gestational age, overall health, and medical history
extent of the disease
your baby's tolerance for specific medications, procedures, or therapies
expectations for the course of the disease
your opinion or preference
Treatment of CLD may include:
extra oxygen (to make up for the decreased breathing ability of the damaged lungs)

mechanical ventilation with gradual weaning as the baby's lungs grow and can do more of the work of breathing

medications such as:

bronchodilators (to help open the airways)
steroids (to help reduce inflammation)

limiting fluids and giving a diuretic medication to help reduce excess fluid which can worsen breathing ability

nutrition (to help the baby and the lungs grow)

immunization against lung infection by respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) and influenza
CLD can be a long-term condition. Some babies with CLD require mechanical ventilators for several months. Some babies will continue to require oxygen when they go home from the hospital, but most can be weaned from oxygen by the end of their first year. Babies with CLD may be at increased risk for respiratory infection and may have to be re-hospitalized.

Day 32: Recovery

2009-10-21T20:51:00.002-04:00

We got in his morning about 8:30 and they said he actually had a pretty good night. The nurse gave him some morphine this morning because she thought he looked uncomfortable. I tried to touch him and he stopped breathing and set off the alarms...he pretty much did that all day, he REALLY wanted to be left alone. (the ventilator still breaths for him when he does that)

At rounds the Dr said she was very happy with how everything went yesterday. She was surprised by the need for 2 clips, but she said the hole was pretty big. She said it also could have been due to the fact that he is "old" and "big" haha, normally it is done on smaller preemies because babies his age would have either had the hole close on their own or been given medication earlier to close it but he was too sick in the beginning to get the meds and it can not be given after 14 days...which is how he ended up in surgery.

The Dr said she hopes to have him off the ventilator with in the next 48hrs and on to C-PAP
When infants are disconnected from a mechanical ventilator, they often require a form of assisted breathing called nasal continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP). A nasal CPAP device consists of a large tube with tiny prongs that fit into the baby's nose, which is hooked to a machine that provides oxygenated air into the air passages and lungs. The pressure from the CPAP machine helps keep a preemie's lungs open so he or she can breathe. However, the machine does not provide breaths for the baby, so the baby breathes on his or her own.http://www.thechildrenshospital.org/wellness/info/parents/20823.aspx

She said this is optimistic but she really would like him on it by the weekend...fingers crossed :)

PDA Surgery

2009-10-21T20:42:00.006-04:00

Patent Ductus Arteriosus (PDA)

The ductus arteriosus is a short blood vessel that connects the main blood vessel supplying the lungs to the aorta, the main blood vessel that leaves the heart. Its function in the unborn baby is to allow blood to bypass the lungs, because oxygen for the blood comes from the mother and not from breathing air. In full-term babies, the ductus arteriosus closes shortly after birth, but it frequently stays open in premature babies. When this happens, excess blood flows into the lungs and can cause breathing difficulties and sometimes heart failure. Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) is often treated with a medication called indomethacin or ibuprofen, which is successful in closing the ductus arteriosus in more than 80% of infants requiring these medications. However, if medical therapy fails, then surgery may be required to close the ductus.

**Right after surgery, enjoying his drug induced sleep!**

**Henry's war wound from surgery, on his left side**

**The happy daddy post surgery!**

Day 31: Surgery Day

2009-10-21T20:07:00.004-04:00

**Jamie held his little elephant during the surgery..i had his little bear!**

UGH...this could possibly have been the longest day ever. On Monday they told us the surgery would be today, in the early afternoon, but when I went in for rounds this morning they said his had been pushed back to later in the day because a more serious case had presented itself overnight. So 12pm...1pm...2pm....3pm...go by, I took a walk through Washington Heights to take my mind of things...that'll do it!! lol

At about 2 we still hadn't heard anything and the nurse mentioned it might get pushed to the next day. NO WAY could I handle waiting another day. Finally at 3 something the surgeon came and said the surgery was on and they would start prepping soon. Yeah I wanted to pretty much throw up but i was happy it was finally going to be over.

Jamie had been waiting at work so I called him and he headed to the hospital. Finally about 4:45 they came and got him..it sucked, plain and simple. I started to lose it but quickly stopped, thinking I have a lot of tears waiting to come out and was scared I wouldn't know how to stop the flow. We headed down to get something to eat and wait. Luckily it is a quick surgery. We went back up at 6 and the nurse said he would be back soon and she would come get us when he was all set up again. About 10 minutes later the mother of the baby next to us came peeking in the room we were waiting in and told us he was back...that was so sweet of her, she was so happy for us...even her husband was looking for us out in the family lounge :)

Before we got a chance to go see him the surgeons found us and told us everything went great. They said he "behaved" and everything went smoothly. The hole in his heart was actually really big so they had to use 2 clips to close it but it was all done!! They said he would be sluggish for the night and need extra assistance from the ventilator but everything would be fine. We went to see him and he looked great!!! It was such a relief! He opened his eyes a couple of times but just for a second or so he definetly was out of it.

We stayed till about 9 to make sure everything was ok, we were so beat and finally had to head home. SO HAPPY that is over with!!!!!! Now we can move forward.

I HELD MY SON!!!!

2009-10-19T20:02:00.003-04:00

I finally got to hold him!!! It was so awesome!! When I walked in I was looking at him and thinking he got bigger and then when she put him in my arms the reality of how small he is hit me. I just kept staring at him, I still can not believe we made him, it's unbelievable. Every day I wish he didn't have to be born so soon and go through all this stuff, but it is nice getting to meet him a little earlier :)

Preeclampsia

2009-10-18T20:46:00.004-04:00

What is Preeclampsia?

Preeclampsia is a disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period and affects both the mother and the unborn baby. Affecting at least 5-8% of all pregnancies, it is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and the presence of protein in the urine. Swelling, sudden weight gain, headaches and changes in vision are important symptoms; however, some women with rapidly advancing disease report few symptoms.

Typically, preeclampsia occurs after 20 weeks gestation (in the late 2nd or 3rd trimesters or middle to late pregnancy), though it can occur earlier. Proper prenatal care is essential to diagnose and manage preeclampsia. Preeclampsia, Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH) and toxemia are closely related conditions. HELLP Syndrome and eclampsia are other manifestations of the same syndrome. It is important to note that research shows that more women die from preeclampsia than eclampsia and one is not necessarily more serious than the other.

Globally, preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy are a leading cause of maternal and infant illness and death. By conservative estimates, these disorders are responsible for 76,000 maternal and 500,000 infant deaths each year.

Last Updated: July 19, 2008
© 2000 - 2009 Preeclampsia Foundation

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Day 27

2009-10-16T22:09:00.002-04:00

Jamie and I were at the hospital last night until about 9:30 and then back this morning at 8....so tired. My mom took a picture of me and bella today and I actually have dark circles around my eyes. Lovely.

Yesterday Henry had a bit of a rough day, we're not sure if something was wrong with his breathing tube like it kept getting stuck or he was just filled with so much fluids and it was getting clogged but the alarms were going off all day saying he was having trouble breathing. We don't freak out anymore but it's still makes us very anxious. The night nurse said she worked on him alot last night to break up his chest congestion and this morning things seemed better. Today was actually a pretty quiet day while I was there. His breathing was good, his blood tests for gases were coming back good so I was happy.

I just talked to jamie who went back to the hospital after work and he said Henry was exhausted and not responding well to being fed (through a tube). They did a bunch of work on him after I left and he was totally worn out. The nurse called the Dr and she said to stop feeing him for the night with the formula to give him a break...he is continually get nutrients through IV's or PICC lines so he's not starving in any way :)

Hopefully he gets some good rest tonight. Jamie said the nurse tonight sucks...she's not forthcoming with info and she's making him feel like he is in the way....that's pretty annoying, hopefully we don't have her again. He said she is good with Henry and that is all that matters.

Our Mirco Miracle :)

2009-10-15T22:07:00.000-04:00

Day 25: Groundhog Day

2009-10-14T19:11:00.004-04:00

The Dr actually pointed out that today was day 25....if you asked me i would have said it was day 7 or something...i truly have no idea what day it is or how long this has been going on. Part of me feels like he was just born yesterday and all the rest is just a bad dream. Actually it feels like "Groudhog Day"...every day is exactly the same and i'm walking through a fog..pretty much thinking WTF? Wake up exhausted, drive an hour to the city, sit with Henry, listen to the Dr talk about my son and his "severely damaged lungs", using words i have no clue what they mean, listening to endless beeps and alarms as Henry and other babies forget to breathe, read a little, day dream of when this will be over, pack up, say I love you to my son and drive the hour back home, walk in the door to the biggest smile on Bella's face, play with her, eat dinner and go to bed. Somewhere in there Jamie and I get to see eachother...usually at the hospital. It's a very strange exsistence right now...

Grow Baby Grow!

2009-10-13T18:17:00.002-04:00

Henry is now 3lbs 1.9oz!!

He is a little monster, yesterday he ripped out his breathing tube, giving himself a bloody now :( and today he has been trying to take out his breathing tube! I wish he didn't need any of it, it's probably not the most comfortable thing...but atleast he won't remember any of this.

The Dr told us today that he needs 2 days of the blood culture to be negative for the infection before they will make a decision on the surgery. Tomorrow we are going to sit down and talk with her a little more in depthly to get a better understanding of what has happened and what comes next as well as the future. I was told by the nurses that most likely he will be at CP until his due date, which is another 9 weeks and then transferred back to Westchester...give or take some time..

Some Bella Time

2009-10-12T18:36:00.000-04:00

One Step Forward Two Steps Back

2009-10-12T09:41:00.002-04:00

As of Thursday everything looked awesome. Henry seemed to be doing really well, breathing more and more on his own...they even said I would most likely be able to hold him this weekend. We were so excited. I go in Friday morning to find out that he has a hole in his heart and is going to need surgery. The hole is called a PDA and is relatively normal. All babies have this hole in utero but it closes when they are born. Since Henry was born so early it did not close up and since he was so sick in the beginning they were not able to give him medications to help it close, now it is too late for meds and he must have surgery. The surgery is a relatively minor procedure yet he will still be put out and as with any surgery there are risks..so we're a little anxious. For the surgery they make a cut in his side under his lungs and go in and staple the hole closed. The surgery is actually going to make him to start to get a lot better as now his blood flow will be working properly which will help his lungs start to clear up and function normal.

The surgery was scheduled for Monday..but by Friday afternoon we learned he also had a possible infection! UGH. They were doing a blood culture over the weekend to see if he does have one, which they believe he most likely does. Mondays surgery will be postponed until the infection is under control. They started him on antibiotics on Friday. We will find out today about noon about the infection.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

2009-10-08T11:19:00.002-04:00

A Good Day!

2009-10-05T21:38:00.003-04:00

As of this morning we were told that Henry's lung were not clearing up on their own, the right lung is collapsed and there is air bubbles in it. They were going to have the respiratory therapist come take a look and possibly do some procedure to help him. Other than that they said he was doing well.

As of tonight when Jamie went to the hospital after work Henry was doing really well! He was on the lowest level of oxygen assistance since he was born AND he seems to be taking care of the air in his lungs on his own! They also lowered the pressure on the ventilator so he is actually doing more work on his own. Today was a good day.

Bella Met Her LIttle Brother!!

2009-10-04T21:50:00.004-04:00

We went to the hospital today with my parents and Bella...this was the first time she was meeting Henry. As you can imagine she was thrilled! lol She saw him for about 2 seconds before trying to tap on his incubator, when I moved her away she started to scream, so Mima and Poppy took her back out to the waiting room where she had a blast entertaining everyone.
.
Henry looked really good. We all decided he looks just like Jamie, we don't know whose nose he has since it's covered with tape, but we'll see soon enough. He looks a little bigger, Jamie said he had been able to see his heart beating and now he thinks his chest is filling out. I think his head looks bigger and his features are getting more "babyish".

I saw him get his diaper changed for the first time...the diaper is sooo small!!!!

I wish I could hold him, that is so hard. The most i have done is touch his hand..he did wrap his fingers around mine, which was pretty cool

Out Of the Hospital

2009-09-25T20:29:00.006-04:00

I got out of the hospital yesterday but the Dr would not allow me to go to the city to see Henry....he made a point of saying this in front of my parents and Jamie so that there was no chance i went. He said because I was recovering from major surgery, being sick from preeclampsia and still have my blood pressure erratic that if i did not take it easy I would be back in the hospital.
So, like a good (exhausted) girl i went home yesterday and went to bed. This morning my dad drove me down to Columbia, Jamie had spent the night so he met me out front.
I don't know what I was expecting but it took everything i had not to burst into tears when i saw him. He is so small and had so many tubes and stuff all over him...it was so hard. They said he is doing really well, and he is only 5 days old so it is going to take time but all i wanted to do was pick him up and hold him...make him healthy.
I still can't fathom all this...even so, i can't even begin to explain how blessed jamie and i both feel. Just a little over a year ago life looked so different...and with in 13 months we go from no children..to two. We have a son and a daughter and it is so absolutely amazing. I just keep picturing them playing together in a couple of months(years..) and i get so excited. It's awesome.

We're taking this all day but day and each day he gets just a teeny step better!!

First Visit

2009-09-25T10:11:00.000-04:00

I forgot how small he was!! It was so hard to go see him at the hospital after almost a week. He was covered with so many tubes and machines are beeping non stop...totally insane. I just wish he was still in my belly.

3am...Your Baby is Sick

2009-09-21T09:48:00.001-04:00

When he was first born they were actually very happy with how he was doing, but by the middle of the night things had changed. The Dr came in at midnight and said that Henry was not doing as well as he hoped and he felt it was best if he was transported to Columbia Presbyterian where they were more equipped to take care of sick preemies. Mind you I am drugged up and freaking out at this point...why is this happening?? Luckily Jamie had spent the night in my room with me so I wasn't alone.

At about 3am the transport had arrived to take him, they wheeled him into my room in what I call the "space pod" so I could say goodbye. It sucked, I was totally freaked out..i really didn't understand what was going on. Jamie decided to go down to the city with them, which I was so happy about. He sent me texts the entire night, letting me know when they had arrived, when he was settled in and all the things that they were saying.

It was a long night...

Henry Joseph Donsky!!!

2009-09-20T06:37:00.003-04:00

Henry "Hank" Joseph Donsky
14.5"
2lbs 1oz

6:37am

href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_rNZtj1Q1rjY/Ss4Cc6e_ncI/AAAAAAAACGU/R9pXox6madA/s1600-h/IMG_1589.JPG">

Happy Anniversary!! It's a BOY!

2009-09-19T10:28:00.002-04:00

At 4am I woke up to go to the bathroom and my chest killed. I tried to take a breath, it hurt so bad I started to cough. I called the nurse. She came in took my blood pressure and it was 190/110. She called in another nurse with another BP machine...again it was high. This is one sign the the PreE was getting worse. Another nurse came in..and within 5 minutes there are 5 nurses in my room talking and poking and looking anxious. By 4;30 they had called the Dr and he was on his way in. About 5am they called Jamie and told him I was having trouble breathing and he should come in. The next hour was totally insane. All at once my clothes were being taken off, gown put on, IV's, catheters in and wheeled out to prep for surgery. I was having this baby now.

Jamie made it just in time. They explained to him what was going on. The "bomb" had gone off, my blood pressure was off the charts and I was having congestive heart failure, the baby needed to come out now. The C Section was so creepy, I repeated that over and over to Jamie...ick, i totally didn't like it. I could feel everything!! It was soo awesome though when they took the baby out and said "It's a boy!!".

We did it!! We made a baby!! So amazing :-)

Preeclampsia

2009-09-17T10:14:00.000-04:00

On Thursday I met with the high risk Dr I had been seeing in the beginning of my pregnancy. The first time we met with her she reviewed my file from this pregnancy and the previous one and determined I had placenta issues. She said that she felt that was the reason why I lost Sam, and there was nothing that could have been done. She said this pregnancy would be watched closely.
So when we met with her on Thursday she did an ultra sound and said immediately that I had severe preeclampsia. The babies stomach was small compared to the rest of his body, which meant he was not getting the nutrients from the placenta that he was supposed to be in order to grow. She said I was not going home until the baby was born and that could be in a day, a week a month. She said I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.... I called Jamie crying once again. Why why why couldnt this just be a normal pregnancy????

How it Began

2009-09-16T09:44:00.006-04:00

For a couple of weeks I was really not feeling well, completely exhausted but I just figured that was natural I was chasing Bella around and I was pregnant but it just getting worse. Friday, September 11th I went shoe shopping...what an adventure, NOTHING fit. I went from 6 1/2 and was now purchasing a size 9 shoe...huh?? And by the next morning that shoe barely fit. I'm sitting getting my hair done watching my feet puff up by the minute. Again, pregnant, swelling is normal, right?? So that night we leave Bella with Jamie's parents pack up and head to LI for a wedding. My shoes, again barely fit. I pretty much sat the whole night. The next morning I woke up and they were HUGE, but I ignore them. On the way home we stop by Jones Beach and take a nice walk. Who knew it was the last peaceful time alone before our world totally went insane.

On the way home I started noticing my hands were getting puffy. I suddenly remembered the high risk Dr telling me that I was at risk for Preeclampsia, I looked it up on the web and started reading the symptoms to Jamie. I kind of felt like I was overreacting..but it seemed possible.

When we got home I could barely walk and my mother in law made me call the dr she said my face looked swollen too. Who wants to call and bother a Dr on a Sunday when most likely it's totally normal?? But I did, thank God.

He also said it was probably nothing but to meet him at the hospital. So we got back car. My blood pressure was a little high and there was protein in my urine, both signs of PreE. He decided he wanted me to stay for the night for observations. He wanted an hourly check of my BP and a 24 urine collection. So i spent the a very uncomfortable night having the stupid BP wake me up every hour on the hour.

About 11am the next morning, one of the other Dr's from my practice said I could go home but to come to the office the next day, Tuesday.

So Tuesday I go in my BP is really high, they make me lay down on my left side for 10 minute take it again and it's all good. So he says come back again tomorrow to see the high risk Dr.

Wednesday I go in they do a full work up, check the baby and tell me I am to go to the hospital for more observations. It was Wednesday and I would be there atleast until Sunday. They still were not convinced it was PreE but all the signs were saying so and they were starting to getting worried.

We went home got my stuff, I called Jamie at work and cried, I was just so frustrated this whole pregnancy all I kept thinking about was how I wanted to be "normal" have a "normal" pregnancy...this was not part of my plan.

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY BELLA!!!!

2009-08-21T09:05:00.004-04:00

WOW I can't believe it's already been a year!!!! Last year at this time we were laying on a hotel bed, showered, dressed and very anxious waiting to hear from Ashley or her mom at the hospital. We had no idea what the next couple days had in store...would Bella really become our daughter??? And now I'm sitting in the kitchen at the lake, Bella just had her bday breakfast...pancakes and she is running around like a maniac!

This has been such an amazing year. :)

Forever Since I posted!

2009-07-12T19:37:00.006-04:00

Yup it's been a while.

Everything is going great..still pregnant and Bella is still amazing :) we're both growing like crazy.

Bella is soo close to walking, she took a step today and by the look on her face it was a total accident and one she was not going to repeat. However, she will walk holding just one of our hands and uses everything as her walker..even the Sadie. She walked all around the mall yesterday pushing her own stroller!

The pregnancy is going strong, I am almost 19 weeks. Pretty sure we felt the baby last week..but nothing since. I do have my trusty heart monitor, so whenever I am nervous it helps tremendously. We've been going to the Dr every other week since the beginning and having regular scans, that helps alot too. We decided not to find out what the baby is which is total opposite of what i have always felt but i think it's a little mental protection. It's hell of alot more real when you know what the baby is and the baby has a name, I'm not prepared for that again. 19 weeks exactly is when we found out we lost our baby boy, that's coming up...so is July 19th..the day we would have met him. It's hard to wish things had turned out different because then we would not have Bella and there is no way we'd wish that. She makes every day so awesome :)

Bella is almsot 11 months...can't believe it!!
Her favorite things:

To Play With...remote controls, sunglasses and phones

To Eat...Anything but peas! So far for people food she's had bacon, pancakes, chicken, steak, yogurt, potatoes, apples, strawberries

To Say..."what's up?"..or something that sounds exactly like that, Dada is still a favorite and Mama only happens when she is hungry, go figure ;)

Jamie is out golfing right now so Bella and I had a little photo session, trying to get a picture for her birthday invitation.

I'm Pregnant!!!

2009-06-03T15:15:00.009-04:00

haha, I've been waiting weeks now to be able to post that!!

Back in March we went away for a weekend with friends to the lake..Friday night, lots of drinks..Saturday not feeling so good but thought maybe because of the night before. I ended up going to bed very early by lake standards and still did not feel so good on Sunday. When we got home I went grocery shopping...I thought about buying a test but i've bought soooo many useless tests in recent years that i was trying to talk myself out of it...didn't work, bought the test. Came home and Voila there was that second pretty pink line..well, barely :)

When I told Jamie (and Bella) he was was like "how??" lol, but was very happy...then we came back to reality and realized we've been here before (like this past January) and knew not to get to excited. We decided to actually wait a week before calling the Dr this time, and just see how things went. Well the tests kept getting darker so finally I called for an appt.

To back up a little this is my 6th (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, SIX) pregnancy that I know of, the most recent being this past January. When I found out I was pregnant then..I wasn't happy. I wasn't ready. I had plans. I was scared. I was pissed..I wasn't ready to go through dissapointment again. And that is exactly what I thought about through 3 ultra sounds where they said "it's still a little early to see anything" and "we can't find it" until I miscarried at 6 weeks. And then I was sad...I had wanted it.

So this time around, I was thrilled. I felt like it was a 2nd chance (or 3rd or 4th). I went to my OB, she's awesome and she knew I was a little hesitant. We took it slow. Just blood monitoring, no ultra sounds yet. As my hormone levels kept rising appropriately we started getting more optomistic so finally did an ultra sound. It was a little over 6 weeks...we saw a baby but no heartbeat. Here we go again, i was losing hope. They told us to come back in a week. I had zero optomism left by the following week, i knew there would still not be a heartbeat..i just knew it. We were on our way to our friends wedding in Cape Cod and I just kept thinking I was going to be in limbo again all weekend...I was miserable.

When I was laying there and she started to do the scan I couldn't breathe...she quickly went over my belly trying to get a good view and as she did my heart stopped, i saw it, I saw the little teeny flutter on the screen...oh my God. She saw it too and quickly went back and the sound of our babies heart beat came on Jamie and I both lost it. We had done it, we had FINALLY made a baby on our own that looked like it had a chance. Holy Sh*t.

When we were done with the ultra sound, the tech said she was going to find my Dr. By the time we got out into the hallway my Dr was running down saying "YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!" and gave me a huge hug. The tears came again... :)

The baby is now almost 13 weeks old and still kicking..literally as we saw on yesterdays ultra sound. We've been to the Dr every other week, and seeing a high risk Dr as well. I am no longer nervous, still very shocked (!) but more than anything happy. I no longer freak out on my way to each Dr's appt, which is a nice change from my previous pregnancy. All I keep telling myself is that the worst thing possible happened to us last year and Bella was the good we recieved out of that hell...we were lucky. As hard as it's been I've had faith, not always hope but faith that all of this was happening for a reason...years of trying, then losing a baby after all that effort, then Bella born into our arms one month after I was supposed to deliver a baby and now this. It's all amazing. So amazing.

We had recently started talking about whether or not to go back to RMA (fertility clinic) or start the adoption process again. We wanted to have a full year all about Bella, to enjoy all her firsts, so we were thinking sometime around January. To not have to think or plan is such a welcome blessing. We are so excited that Bella is going to be a big sister, they will be 16 months apart...we hope they'll be so close :)

Per my first ultra sound, where they determine the due date based on size I am due December 14th. In my opinion, based on dating due to severe ovulation pains I say December 10th! The ultra sound tech at the high risk dr agreed with me...so we'll see!

6 Weeks 5 Days

8 Weeks 3 Days (Baby Measuring 9 weeks)

10 Weeks 1 Day (Baby meauring 10w 6d)

12 Weeks 1 Day (Baby measuring 12w 4d)

Florida

2009-05-28T10:34:00.015-04:00

We took a short trip to Florida so my aunt could meet Bella. It was a great trip, so happy we made it! Next time we'll stay longer... I promise :)

Bella & Aunt Lorraine

Bella's first time in the Gulf...she loved it!!

Buried in the sand..

..eating Sand :)

My First Mothers Day!!

2009-05-26T13:18:00.006-04:00

Mothers day this year was so awesome! Last year we had recently lost the baby and had no idea when we would finally become parents..it was very hard. The difference of one year is so unbelievable :) We went to the lake with my parents, Jamies parents usually come as well but his grandfather is not doing very well so they wanted to stay with him. Bella went on her first boat ride...totally unphased until we put the life jacket on..not a fan :) She looked at the waves for a couple of minutes, cried a little and then passed out for the rest of the ride. The rest of the weekend was pretty low key. For my first mothers day I got PJ's, a bath robe and adirondack chairs!! It was so great.

Adoption Finalized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-03T08:49:00.004-04:00

WE got the best news in the world yesterday...Bella's adoption was finalized!!!!!! With Ashley, her birthmother, that part was final 7 days after Bella's birth but the states NC & NY wanted part of the action too and they're part took forever!!! But it's over now!!! NO one can take our daughter away, she's been our in our hearts since she was born but now she's ours in every way. So awesome that it's all over..I can't even explain. We weren't worried but to have a child has been a long process and so many people have been in our "business" from Dr's to Lawyers for years now. So, to know no one is poking, proding or investigating us is just SUCH an amazing feeling! It was all worth it but glad it's done. LOVE YOU BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bella's 2nd Time at the Lake

2009-04-01T13:21:00.005-04:00

This weekend we went to the lake, it was an awesome weekend! We stayed at Stantons, Stoeckers stayed as well. Kristin, Dan, Heather and Jim all came over for dinner on Saturday night. Mima, Poppy and uncle Pat were around too!! Bella had a great time with her new friends!

Happy Birthday Daddy!!

2009-03-21T20:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend was Jamie's birthday, his grandfathers birthday and Bella's 7 month birthday!! We spent the weekend in Rochester and had a great time. Bella started saying dadadadadada...it was so cute!!!

Swimming!!! Videos

2009-03-01T19:37:00.004-05:00

Swimming!!!! Photos

2009-03-01T19:26:00.004-05:00

We took Bella to the pool at the gym today..she absolutely loved it!

A Year Ago

2009-02-23T16:22:00.004-05:00

Today is tough..one year ago we found out we lost our baby boy. There probably has not been a single day i have not thought about that. One year ago today was also the day we decided to adopt and we have spent every single day of the last 6 months smiling because of our little girl. All that can happen in one year can make your head spin.
I really thought I would have a harder time today than I have had, actually the days leading up have been even tougher, like a count down to D day was going through my head... just remembering those words "i'm sorry there is no longer a heartbeat..." Now that it is here I am trying to focus all that we have gained since. If we hadn't made the decision to adopt that day then we would not have Bella. She makes us smile and laugh and thank God every day. We are so lucky to have her as our daughter :)

Dylans birthday party

2009-02-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

On Sunday we went to Jamies friend from colleges sons birthday..(got that?? :)

The party was in Merrick so we drove over to see the house that Grandpa grew up in. Does it look the same Dad???

Happy 6 Months!!!

2009-02-21T23:28:00.003-05:00

I can't believe how quickly time flies by! Bella got to spend the day with both grandparents today..mine left this morning for Florida and Jamies came this afternoon. We picked up Bubbi and Papa at the train station and then went to the park.
We just got an email from Ashley, I was so happy to get it! I truly want to stay in contact with her. I don't think anyone will ever understand how I feel about her....she gave me something I could not create on my own, she gave us and our family the most precious gift ever. She is amazing.
She mentioned today Bella was 6 months and asked how she was doing and what she was doing...crawling, etc....she even sent some pictures, she looks great!! She went to her first concert...yay for her!!!! She's getting to be a teenager. I am so happy to know she is doing well :)

Giggle Time

2009-02-17T15:56:00.001-05:00

Valentines Weekend

2009-02-15T15:49:00.000-05:00

Bella's first Valentines day! She got a balloon from daddy and then got to spend the weekend with grandma & grandpa while we went to Saratoga and Lake George!!

2009-02-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

bouncey bouncey

2009-02-08T16:54:00.002-05:00

More Night Time Giggles

2009-02-06T09:55:00.002-05:00

Dinner Time!! ..first night of "real" food

2009-02-05T20:24:00.005-05:00

Not sure she is such a fan of her rice cereal, but atleast we can say we finally tried!

She Rolled Over!!

2009-01-23T14:35:00.003-05:00

Bella and Daddy

2009-01-22T20:49:00.002-05:00

5 Months Old!!!!

2009-01-21T09:05:00.021-05:00

Happy 5 months Bella Lily!!!

Her current favorite things...making raspberries and eating her feet!

Mommy's model!

Bella Watching History

2009-01-21T08:58:00.005-05:00

She just about watched the whole thing (too much tv??? oops) She had a few things to say to the President and even sang along with Aretha!!

Bella visiting Daddy at work

2009-01-20T16:54:00.014-05:00

Ok, so a little late on posting this! Bella went to see Jamie at work back in December. She was so cute walking around the city, she was wide eyed looking up the whole time. The proud daddy introduced her to his entire office, it was alot of fun bringing her in!
checking everything out..

exhausted from meeting everyone
home sweet home

"So, you can't have kids?"

2009-01-09T23:26:00.003-05:00

Someone asked me today if they could ask me a personal question, i said sure, we had been talking about Bella so I thought it would have something to do with her or her birthmother..but it was about me. Point blank she said "So you can't have kids, right?" No one has directly asked me that question before..i've often thought how I would answer. To say no, is very defintive..very negative, hopeless. To say "yes, i can have kids" seems slightly ridiculous given my track record. I just said "I don't really know, i don't think about it...it doesn't matter."
Of course it matters. I'm not sure why though. I wouldn't trade anything for Bella. Not every single shot i had to take, not every procedure, not the loss(s)...she's mine, she's everything and all that crap lead me to her. So why does it matter so much? I can honestly say I was not a fan of pregnancy while pregnant, and since it didn't end well it's not my favorite thing to think about. It actually terrifies me, the idea of going through it again. So why every month do I feel so disappointed? I don't need a biological child, i know that every time I look into Bella's eyes, or she smiles or falls asleep on me. Whose eyes she has doesn't mean anything, she's my daughter.
I think it's more that I don't have a choice, I don't have a say in whether or not I carry a child and to say that sucks is such a huge understatment.
It's not the end of the world, and I don't go around feeling sorry for myself but it doesn't go away...and I wish it would. I wish i knew how to completely let go and not think about it.
When does menopause start???? :)

A New Year

2009-01-07T12:48:00.002-05:00

I can't believe how much time has passed since I wrote last. There were alot of firsts in the last couple of months..Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years..the holidays were absolutely amazing this year. Bella was the only gift that all of us wanted...it was pretty unbelievable that she was really there.

It was acutally a little hard for me on Christmas to new years..remembering the prior year and how excited we were about the pregnancy and the baby. I honestly can't believe all that happened in one year. There were so many tears last year bad and then good...but damn if i'm not ready for a break from crying! :)

Bella is doing amazing! Growing like crazy at her 4 months appt she was 16.8lbs and 25in, the Dr said she looked great and was very healthy. She is still sleeping through the night, now in her crib (which only took 6months to arrive)..it took a few tries for her to get used to it but now she is sleeping 10-12hrs straight. She is "talking" and laughing, very observant ..loves to watch sadie and the tv. Her favorite song so far the ABC's haha, she is fascinated watching everything we do with our mouths..including eating. She is still drinking her bottle, Dr said to start her on one solids meal in the next couple of weeks. I'm not ready to give up her complete "baby" status so i'm holding off, lol. The next couple of months should get really interesting.

I love that it's a new year :)

Here's a link to the most recent phots. http://carlispics.shutterfly.com/

3 Months Old!!!

2008-11-21T21:59:00.005-05:00

Wow i can't believe 3 months has already passed. It has been amazing to watch her grow. I must say there is absolutely nothing better than a baby smiling at you, it's the best.
She is doing great. She has been sleeping through the night since she was 9 weeks old, and when i say sleeping i mean atleast 9 hours..the other night it was 13 hours...i am waiting, just waiting for this to change, it seems to good to be true! We're enjoying it though :) She's "talking" alot, smiling all the time and i think i heard the start of a giggle today. She has no interest in rolling over yet. When we do 'tummy time' she either cries or eats her hand...which is probably her favorite thing right now. She LOVES to eat her hand..she usually uses the other hand to push it in further!lol
We're totally in love, it's been the best 3 months of our lives. She is a blessing. We think about Ashley all the time and hope she knows how she changed our lives.

Here is a little video of Bella's first 3 months, enjoy!

From My First 3 Months

Just hanging out

2008-10-28T09:45:00.003-04:00

more videos on www.youtube.com under Bella Donsky

She is growing so quickly and I feel like as much as I am trying to remember everything..i won't! So hopefully I'll post more, if not for anything else but to have something we can look back on. Hope you enjoy it too :)

2 Months Old!!!

2008-10-21T17:50:00.002-04:00

WOW, time totally flys by! We went to the Dr's yesterday, she now weighs 12 lbs 8oz, and is 23inches long...Dr said she is doing awesome! She had her shots, that wasn't very fun, but it honestly was not half as bad as everyone made it out to be. She wasn't happy about it, but she had stopped crying before we left the parking lot and was a sleep 2 seconds later!
Here she is just before her shots!!

Reality Sinking In

2008-10-10T07:41:00.003-04:00

I am sitting here making a picture dvd for Bella's shower this weekend at the lake, of course the music is Somewhere Over the Rainbow...and I'm crying :)
Looking at the pictures from the hospital it all feels so surreal, so long ago not 7 weeks ago. I am still so amazed she is here. The other morning I was in the kitchen and I heard her make a noise, it's not that I forgot that I had a baby but every once in a while it catches me off guard and I just smile. She's here and we are so blessed to have her...I can't believe how lucky we are.

Bella's 1st time at the lake!

2008-09-24T09:25:00.002-04:00

We went to the lake this weekend with Bella for the first time, it was awesome! So much fun. She said she loved it :) We went down to the village with Mike, Kristin, Dan and Colin for the Balloon Fest..it was alot of fun..awesome weather!

Happy Anniversary!!!!

2008-09-19T11:29:00.006-04:00

Today is our 5th anniversary and the best gift i could (n)ever have imagined is we are taking our daughter to the lake for the first time! I am seriously so excited! Plus we haven't been there in forever, or so it seems. Tomorrow we're going to the Adirondack Balloon Festival, should be awesome!

Here are some new pics, Enjoy!! I'll have ALOT more after this weekend!

Bella's First Bath and Meeting her Aunties!

2008-09-09T13:20:00.002-04:00

Our Baby Shower!

2008-09-08T10:33:00.022-04:00

Bella and I had our baby shower yesterday and it was AWESOME. Nothing different from any other baby shower, we all agree there is nothing overly exciting about any type of shower but for me it was one more thing to help convince me of the reality that i DO have a baby now. Even though I see her and hold her every day it's still hard to believe at times.
When Jamie and I were still in NC i told him how I pictured driving home with Bella for the first time and "It's a Girl" balloons would be hanging out in front of our house, in my mind that's what happens when people come home from the hospital for the first time with their baby. Does it really happen? I don't know but it does in the movies, lol. Anyway no balloons when we came home, of course not, Jamie was with me and our families do not live close by, no biggie. So the day of the shower I go to get my hair cut, i'm driving home, turn down my street and I can see beautiful shiny balloons swaying outside my house. Seriously the smile on my face was so huge, I could have cried (first of many times that day!).

About 20 minutes later I'm in my room changing Bella when out of the corner of my eye I see my shiny pink balloons float away!!! haha..I was sooo upset I yelled "my balloons are flying away!"...the next thing I see is Jamie getting in the car. About 15 minutes later he comes home with new It's a Girl balloons. I'm not sure he knows how much that meant to me, I know it seems so simple, it's usually the smallest details that are so important and for me that was huge.

The shower was great. The weather was awesome. I had a great time seeing everyone and them meeting Bella for the first time. I have waited and dreamed of this day for so long and honestly it was a bonus having Bella there vs being pregnant, I absolutely loved it. We received so many awesome gifts, two won the Tear Jerker Award! lol

My Aunt Annie knew I wanted to remember this whole journey so she printed my blog and made it into a book...YUP, tear jerker! I absolutely love it!

How she found this, i have no idea. Mel, this is so awesome!!

Night Time Creatures

2008-09-05T04:41:00.000-04:00

i'm holding a crazed little monster in my arms and have 2 little fur balls circling my ankles like sharks...it's 445 and it's feeding time

09/01/08 HOME SWEET HOME

2008-09-01T20:17:00.000-04:00

Wow, we're home with our daughter, totally amazing..and unreal. Actually it's quite real as i sit here trying to type one handed!lol
Our drive home yesterday was very uneventful, we got home about 10pm. Today we unpacked and did some errands. Jamie has to go back to work tomorrow, so i'm on my own. We wish his "paternity leave" could start now and we could all just hang out at home together but it's been long enough and he needs to go back. You would actually think after spending almost 2.5 straight weeks together we'd be sick of each other but thankfully we're not!!

I know I owe so many phone calls, I'm so sorry. When we were down in NC there was always so much going on. And like I said today was just us trying to get back to normal and get food in the house :)

Time for bed...Miss Bella's favorite time of day is 2am-4am...straight :)

Going Home Tomorrow!!

2008-08-30T23:58:00.000-04:00

We're packed and ready, we leave tomorrow morning..whenever Bella tells us it's time, lol, which should be around 7:30am. We can't wait to get there!

We were supposed to leave today after we had lunch with A and her mom, but we were exhausted and learned that traveling with an infant is not so easy...our 1.5 hr drive back to Raleigh was almost 2.5! Not complaining :) So once we got back here we decided to stay put for the night.

Lunch was really nice, it was so nice to see them again. We had a great time just chit chatting abuot normal stuff and talking alot about Bella. They both held her for quite a while..she started crying at one point when A was holding her, A said
"time to go back to mommy"..I could have cried. This had to be very hard for them because they do not know when they will see her again, but I know they were sooo excited to go to lunch today. They are very happy with the whole situation and wished us well for our next adoption...i can't imagine it another adoption situation could compare to this one...i really don't have words other than it was amazing.

We heard from my family that everyone at the lake is excited to meet Bella and we can't wait to bring her up to meet everyone!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope everyone had a great labor day weekend! I think of all of you at the casino when I am up in the middle of the night!

08/29/08 Free To Go Home!!!

2008-08-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

We got the call yesterday that we're allowed to go home! We are sooo happy about that! We're at a friends house now, we left the hotel yesterday. Tomorrow we're going to go to lunch with A and her mom...that will be interesting. A seems to be doing well, we've talked on email a little. I would think it would be hard to see Bella, but we wanted the choice to be hers. So after lunch we'll be on our way! We should be home Sunday morning. We can't wait. Living out of a suit case has been tough..but all worth it :)

Oh! Tuesday night I went with my parents to get pictures of Bella developed so they could bring them to the lake. We're driving down the road, 3 lane road, we're on the inside lane when we see the cars next to us start to stop and a crossing guard step out in front of them waving my dad to stop...he had to slam on the breaks because she truly came out of nowhere...so he slams on the breaks and a second later BAM!! Yup, we were hit..pretty good too. All of us were pretty sore...i was in the back no seat belt and bounced pretty good. It sucked for my parents they were already to go home. So in the end their car got towed..the nearest Audi dealership was 119 miles away! They had to get a rental car to drive back to NY and now in a couple of weeks they have to fly down and get the car when it's fixed. How much does that suck?? I felt so bad. We were happy though that no one was really hurt and that Bella was not in the car! Makes me a little nervous for our big drive home!lol

Pictures

2008-08-26T13:31:00.000-04:00

Bella's Story

2008-08-25T10:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this is how it all happened...it's pretty long, but I want to remember every detail so I can tell her about her first days.

Wednesday at 6pm is the time I talked A each week..so this past Wed I call at 6..no answer, i call at 6:15..no answer...honestly freaking out. So we went to the movies with Jess and Andy to see Tropical Thunder, about 30 minutes into the movie we get a call from an NC area code I run out of the theatre and it's A's mom. She was in the hospital!!!!! She had taken a nap after her Dr's appt and when she woke up her water had broke.
So we run back in grab Jess and Andy and we head back to their house to pack the car. We are literally in and out in about 10 minutes! As we're driving down the highway we see the signs for "Fayetteville", I can't explain the feeling as we realized we were finally in the town where our daughter would be born. We got to the hospital in about an hour and a half...it was sooo surreal pulling up to it knowing this was it!!
We found our way to labor and delivery looking back it all feels like a dream. When we got there the nurses directed us to her room...it was so weird, for some reason i was expecting them to take us down and introduce us! LOL...i wanted to explain to the nurses that we had never met A and her mom. So we walk down knock on the door and A's mom answers the door, she hugs us and the next 48 hrs are like a blur :)
We sat and talked with A and her mom, they are both so awesome. We are soo happy we got to know them. We arrived at the hospital about 10:30, they told us that if she didn't go into labor on her own by 3am the Dr was going to induce her. The nurse told us that active labor wouldn't really kick in till noonish the next day. We stayed for about 2 hrs and then headed to the hotel to try and sleep.
We woke up the next day around 8 showered and got ready to wait. I called A, her mom said nothing was going on she'd been induced, had an epidural and was now sleeping. She said she'd call us when something started. I was going crazy and exhausted so i decided to lay back down. Next thing I hear is Jamie on the phone saying "so she might have a c section at noon?" I look at the clock..it's 11:15. OMG my daughter is almost here!!! I FLEW out of bed, lol.

We grab lunch for us and A's mom, head back to the hospital. Mind you, we only met them the night before so this is all still totally weird! We have lunch hang out and wait for the Dr. He finally comes around 12:30, we're sent out of the room while he examines her. He comes out in the hall a couple of minutes later and tells us that it's been long enough, the baby is not progressing down because A's bones are to small and that it is time to go get her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We go down to the waiting room to wait, this was the longest hour EVER!! We're trying to read but it was impossible. Finally A's mom comes in and says "Congratulations mom and dad, she's beautiful". We all just started hugging and crying...while we are so happy, her heart is breaking, but she was so supportive and honestly happy for us. She took us to the nursery to see Isabella, unbelievable is the only thoughts running through my head...was this really for real? She was so adorable, and so big compared to the other babies!!lol

We stared at her for probably over an hour through the glass, we weren't allowed to see her yet. The nurse said it would be a while so we should go eat. We left the hospital to eat and check on Sadie, I just kept saying to Jamie I need to hold her, this doesn't feel real. When we got back to the hospital Isabella was not in the nursery, so we walked down to A's room, and there she is cuddled up in A's arms...tough, sooo tough. After a bit I finally got to hold her, she was so cute and so small, it was awesome. We stayed for a while, Jamie held her for a while too and then we felt we should give them so time. We went to the hotel had dinner with our parents and then headed to bed. Just as I was getting in bed Jamie asked if I wanted to go say goodnight to Bella, SURE!....so we hopped in the car and drove to the hospital. A had given me a hospital bracelet so we could see the baby whenever we wanted, which was so nice of her. When we got there we asked the nurse for her and we were told she was sleeping in her mothers room for the night...OUCH. The nurse asked who we were...OUCH. So we went home.

Friday was a long day. We brought A breakfast and hung out with her and Bella till the attorney arrived. When she got there she had Jamie and I sign all our stuff and then we were asked to wait in the waiting room while they went over everything with A and she signed the consent. That was around 2:30, at 3:30 I started walking around to see if i could find out anything...a nurse had just left her room so I started interrogating her about what was going on in the room, haha..she said there was paper every where and alot going on. Finally the lawyer came out to tell us that some of the paperwork that should have been done prior had not been and it would be a little longer but A HAD signed the consent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were Isabella's MOM AND DAD!!

Finally about 4:30 the lawyer came to get us and we headed to the court house with her to file everything. Nothing is ever that easy and something was missing so a portion of it could not be filed but the part that says we're her parents was filed and that's all that mattered! Honestly I was so exhausted at this point, i am standing my head laying down on the counter in the county clerks office...i was so done, sleep deprived and emotionally spent.

That night we took all the grandparents to the hospital to meet their new grand daughter....they were all soo excited. A and her mom came to meet them..that VERY emotional, but everyone agreed they were happy they got to meet eachother. We left around 9 and did not sneak back that night..i couldn't handle that again and since it was her last night with Bella, I had no doubt she would be in her room again. So we attempted to get some sleep.

Saturday we were at the hospital with breakfast by 7:30...A looked like she had been crying. We had a really good talk, she shared alot and asked alot of questions. Her biggest fear is that we will not stay in touch, that she will not know about all Isabella's firsts and that Bella will never know how much she loved her. She said she had no doubt we would be wonderful parents. I talked to her mom alot too..this wasn't easy for her either, she said she had to be strong for her daughter. By noon everyone was hungry so we went to get lunch for them and gave them some time alone with Bella. When we came back we were told that they were both discharged and we could take her home. HOLY CRAP!

Since A had to be wheeled out and Bella had to be wheeled out the nurse said A should hold her on the way out of the hospital. Again, tough, I'm her mom now..but I understood and I honestly did want her to have every second possible. So she was transported out while her mom and I walked behind talking and crying. Jamie met us out front with the car. So many tears, I can't even explain how hard this was. We were so happy and they were so sad. We all hugged and finally said goodbye. The moment we had been waiting for was here...she was in her car seat in our car and we were driving away from the hospital...with our daughter. There are no words to explain what we were feeling, how happy, how unbelievably happy we were.
We got to the hotel and were greeted by the grandparents and little miss Sadie waiting outside for us.
She was "home" and it was awesome!

8/23/08 Home from the Hospital

2008-08-23T21:19:00.000-04:00

Hi
Everything is great! We came home from the hospital today, Bella is doing awesome. I know I owe a birth story it's just been non stop since she was born...dr's, nurses, lawyers, courts and lots of emotional moments with A and her mom. They are amazing, the whole experience has been amazing. I promise to update soon, I'm just pooped now and headed to bed! :)

Isabella Lily

2008-08-21T21:00:00.001-04:00

7lbs 8oz
22in
Born 1:35pm via c section

Exhausted, HAPPY and headed out to dinner with our parents. We'll post more pics later!!!!!!