She Rolled Over!!

Bella and Daddy

5 Months Old!!!!

Happy 5 months Bella Lily!!!


Her current favorite things...making raspberries and eating her feet!

























Mommy's model!

Bella Watching History

She just about watched the whole thing (too much tv??? oops) She had a few things to say to the President and even sang along with Aretha!!

Bella visiting Daddy at work

Ok, so a little late on posting this! Bella went to see Jamie at work back in December. She was so cute walking around the city, she was wide eyed looking up the whole time. The proud daddy introduced her to his entire office, it was alot of fun bringing her in!
checking everything out..


exhausted from meeting everyone
home sweet home

"So, you can't have kids?"

Someone asked me today if they could ask me a personal question, i said sure, we had been talking about Bella so I thought it would have something to do with her or her birthmother..but it was about me. Point blank she said "So you can't have kids, right?" No one has directly asked me that question before..i've often thought how I would answer. To say no, is very defintive..very negative, hopeless. To say "yes, i can have kids" seems slightly ridiculous given my track record. I just said "I don't really know, i don't think about it...it doesn't matter."
Of course it matters. I'm not sure why though. I wouldn't trade anything for Bella. Not every single shot i had to take, not every procedure, not the loss(s)...she's mine, she's everything and all that crap lead me to her. So why does it matter so much? I can honestly say I was not a fan of pregnancy while pregnant, and since it didn't end well it's not my favorite thing to think about. It actually terrifies me, the idea of going through it again. So why every month do I feel so disappointed? I don't need a biological child, i know that every time I look into Bella's eyes, or she smiles or falls asleep on me. Whose eyes she has doesn't mean anything, she's my daughter.
I think it's more that I don't have a choice, I don't have a say in whether or not I carry a child and to say that sucks is such a huge understatment.
It's not the end of the world, and I don't go around feeling sorry for myself but it doesn't go away...and I wish it would. I wish i knew how to completely let go and not think about it.
When does menopause start???? :)

A New Year

I can't believe how much time has passed since I wrote last. There were alot of firsts in the last couple of months..Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years..the holidays were absolutely amazing this year. Bella was the only gift that all of us wanted...it was pretty unbelievable that she was really there.

It was acutally a little hard for me on Christmas to new years..remembering the prior year and how excited we were about the pregnancy and the baby. I honestly can't believe all that happened in one year. There were so many tears last year bad and then good...but damn if i'm not ready for a break from crying! :)

Bella is doing amazing! Growing like crazy at her 4 months appt she was 16.8lbs and 25in, the Dr said she looked great and was very healthy. She is still sleeping through the night, now in her crib (which only took 6months to arrive)..it took a few tries for her to get used to it but now she is sleeping 10-12hrs straight. She is "talking" and laughing, very observant ..loves to watch sadie and the tv. Her favorite song so far the ABC's haha, she is fascinated watching everything we do with our mouths..including eating. She is still drinking her bottle, Dr said to start her on one solids meal in the next couple of weeks. I'm not ready to give up her complete "baby" status so i'm holding off, lol. The next couple of months should get really interesting.

I love that it's a new year :)

Here's a link to the most recent phots. http://carlispics.shutterfly.com/