Someone asked me today if they could ask me a personal question, i said sure, we had been talking about Bella so I thought it would have something to do with her or her birthmother..but it was about me. Point blank she said "So you can't have kids, right?" No one has directly asked me that question before..i've often thought how I would answer. To say no, is very defintive..very negative, hopeless. To say "yes, i can have kids" seems slightly ridiculous given my track record. I just said "I don't really know, i don't think about it...it doesn't matter."
Of course it matters. I'm not sure why though. I wouldn't trade anything for Bella. Not every single shot i had to take, not every procedure, not the loss(s)...she's mine, she's everything and all that crap lead me to her. So why does it matter so much? I can honestly say I was not a fan of pregnancy while pregnant, and since it didn't end well it's not my favorite thing to think about. It actually terrifies me, the idea of going through it again. So why every month do I feel so disappointed? I don't need a biological child, i know that every time I look into Bella's eyes, or she smiles or falls asleep on me. Whose eyes she has doesn't mean anything, she's my daughter.
I think it's more that I don't have a choice, I don't have a say in whether or not I carry a child and to say that sucks is such a huge understatment.
It's not the end of the world, and I don't go around feeling sorry for myself but it doesn't go away...and I wish it would. I wish i knew how to completely let go and not think about it.
When does menopause start???? :)
3 comments:
I TOTALLY relate to what you ahve written here - even though AJ is our perfect baby and totally meant for us, it still upsets me a little that every month I get AF and dealw itht eh cramps etc (and this month I got a bad cysts AGAIN!). it's an uncruel reminder of what we are not able to do, ya know?
Alison
Cruel reminder...yeah that is a good way to describe it! Nice to see you!!!!! :)
We need to meet up in Rochester sometime, so our lo's can meet. They are so close in age!
Hi -- I came across your blog on FF.
I completely understand. We adopted our sweet girl after 3 years of Infertility and 1 m/c. I love, love, love my daughter. But, I still get hurt by the questions and assumptions people have. When I was still teaching HS, I learned that kids and people simply have no tact. I once had a student yell to another student (who was questioning why in the world I would want to adopt), "Because she can't have a kid, you idiot!"
But, almost worse than that, have been all of the "well wishers" who always tell us, "Well, now that you've adopted, you're going to be pregnant before you know it." That makes me angry -- we didn't adopt with the hopes that we would suddenly, miraculously become pregnant. We adopted because we were meant to be Ellie's parents -- I can't imagine having any other child. Our lives aren't "incomplete" because we don't have a biological child . . . but that's what so many people seem to think.
And, it scares me to think that if I *hadn't* been infertile, I wouldn't have my little girl.
It is hard that we still have to deal with AF, cramps, and the possible hope. It's not fair.
We did just find out, about two weeks ago, that we are pregnant . . and I'm terrified. It wasn't planned -- I'd been told that I would never get pregnant again. I don't know why it happened. I'm just praying that all goes well -- I never want to go through another m/c again.
Hugs.
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