PTSD

Wow, it went quick but looking back it was long! I can't believe Henry has only been home a little over a week, it feels like he's always been here or more like he was just born. I find it funny to look at him and say he is 4 months old, he's so little he looks like a newborn. The time we spent in the NICU feels like a different lifetime. From the time I got pregnant I dreaded the last trimester, getting huge and uncomortable and not sleeping, all that stuff I was so not looking forward too..i'm sure no one does. Well I did get to avoid that but I had my own kind of hellish third trimester. I've had more than a few people joke with me about how i've 2 kids and managed to avoid stretch marks..while this is true (and I'd be lying if i said i wasn't thrilled about that!!LOL)nothing in life is free. I might have said this before but it's so true that i'll say it again, I have more internal scars than had i gained 100lbs and gone full term with 2 kids. These scars will never go away, but like stretch marks, they will fade.

I actually still get sad when someone in real life or even on TV gets pregnant. I honestly have to remind myself that I have 2 kids and that one of them I actually did carry and give birth too. The pain was with me for so long, that my brain hasn't really totally caught up with reality. Then again my reality is not the norm. I had a baby in Septmeber, I didn't get to hold him until October, didn't give him a bath or bottle until November and did not get to take him home until the last day of Decemeber. I didn't have the beautiful birth experience that I had been so excited for. My brain does not even really comprehend the C section, it was all so crazy, it kind of felt like he was just taken from me in the middle of the night.

Stomach there, stomach gone.

Kind of reminds me of when I lost the baby last year. I had a belly, i went in to surgery came out belly gone, baby gone. And all that happened at Columbia. Henry was born in Westchester but by the end of the day he was at Columbia. So like I've said this week has been full of different emotions.

Someone at Columbia and at Northern Westchester gave us an article that was in the NY Times about the NICU Experience and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I read it and found it interesting but as I was going through the experience I couldn't really understand it, but I think I'm getting it now. When something traumatic is going on in your life your main goal is to survive. Not think, not dwell, not cry just survive. You guard yourself so much because it feels like if you let a little crack start then it's over...you totally fall apart and won't know how to deal with the actual situation. Or atleast that's my interpreation and that's how I felt. I didn't want to talk about anything to do with Henry besides the facts. I told people what was going on and then added, he's fine or he's doing great. When I didn't really know. But i didn't want pity or sadness, it might have killed me. Jamie and I both just felt we needed to be strong and deal with things one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

Now the craziness is over, life is quieter...which lets your head wander more. Now I think about all the what if's. And it scares the hell out of me.

Henry still needs a lot of help. He is still on Oxygen, although very low amount, which is awesome. But his eyes are still a small concern, he needs hernia surgery, he will be seeing a GI speicialist, a Pulminary Speciaist, OT, PT and maybe speech.

So I guess we still take it one day at a time. Henry is here, Bella is here and both are amazing. The past 3 years are so insane it makes my head spin and the future is the future so why bother worrying about that. We're doing our best to get used to our new normal and enjoying our family. It's kind of awesome, still can't believe it's real :)

NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1