Ok, I am not the most patient person and I very much like to be in control of things..and right now I feel like I have no control over anything. Our birthmother said she would call me yesterday and still to this point has not...so i pretty much have no nails left, my hair will be next :) Jamie had sent her an email last night just chit chatting and she just wrote back, thank GOD! She said her Dr appt on Monday was fine and she has an ultra sound tomorrow. She asked that we call her tomorrow night. So happy she asked me to call her, it's so much easier than staring at the phone waiting for her to call me. It's so like dating, you don't want to stalk the person and turn them off...
Speaking of phone calls, I called Tina last night to calm me down and she told me she had just jumped off the phone with her sister because I was calling. She said every time I call her she thinks it is "THE" call, haha...I never thought about that. Every time one of my friends/family is pregnant and they call towards the end I think it is the call too. She made me feel pregnant, THANKS TINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
07/25/08 The Countdown!
4 WEEKS left!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!
Just wanted to share that :)
Headed to the lake soon, can not wait to get there. I've only been there once since October..that's so unreal. This is the last weekend jamie and i will be up together. I'll be back next weekend for Heathers bachelorette pary..but that's it. Very strange summer but totally worth it!
Just wanted to share that :)
Headed to the lake soon, can not wait to get there. I've only been there once since October..that's so unreal. This is the last weekend jamie and i will be up together. I'll be back next weekend for Heathers bachelorette pary..but that's it. Very strange summer but totally worth it!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
07/22/08 Prison
Jamie and I were watching a show last night called "Locked Up Abroad", really interesting show. On this episode this girl gets busted for trying to smuggle heroin and she gets sent to jail. She believes it will be a short stay and just can not comprehend what is happening. Someone from the US Embassy comes to check on her once a month, but there is nothing he can do to help her. She finally starts to accept the life she has, she starts talking with the other women, creating friendships and learning from them. Then one day after 4 1/2 yrs she gets a letter from a Congressman who said he heard about her and is trying to get her released. She can't believe this is real but she finally has hope. Shortly there after she is released from prison. As she is leaving the prison, all the women are so excited for her, they're all hugging and crying, one of them is getting out and gets to move on with her life.
So why am I telling you this? Because after watching that episode i turned to Jamie and said "This might not translate right, but i feel like I've been in prison for the last couple of years." He knew exactly what I meant. Don't get me wrong it's not as dramatic as that, but i defintely feel like i've been sort of locked up, life on hold, running into a wall over and over again and not getting anywhere. I have belonged to a website called Fertility Friend for almost 5 years now. First i started in the "TTC" (trying to concieve) section, then I moved onto "Medical Assistance", then a short stay (i relate this to being paroled in the "July Mommies" group, then to the "Loss" boards and final stop at the "Adoption" boards. I've met so many women who are going through similar (and not simlar) situations. And when one gets her baby, whether it be delivering her biological baby or being handed her adopted baby, everyone cheers because they understand you've finally been "released". Released from the pain of wanting what you can't have. Released from wondering "is this my month". It's very painful. Knowing our baby is coming fills us with so much hope. It's almost our turn.
I always say "I'm fine" when people ask, and I am, however there is still a very good chance I will not deliver a baby that I have grown and nurtured within me and that pain doesn't go away. I lost a baby and that was the hardest thing to go through, waiting for the due date to come and go was so long. I thought all the sadness would go away once i got through that day, but then i realized it's not just the loss of our baby it's the loss of a dream of having our children. And that's not easy to deal with, that doesn't just go away. I've said before i have hope that it might happen one day but i can't spend every day thinking about it, i'll go nuts but after so many years and so much medical intervetion...i don't know what will happen.
I thank God that adoption exists and we can have what we want while helping someone else. It's an amazing thing one we are both so unbelievably thankful for.
I know some might wonder why I write this blog, why i share my private thoughts. It might seem strange. I don't do it for pity, i've never asked for that, I do it so people understand.
So why am I telling you this? Because after watching that episode i turned to Jamie and said "This might not translate right, but i feel like I've been in prison for the last couple of years." He knew exactly what I meant. Don't get me wrong it's not as dramatic as that, but i defintely feel like i've been sort of locked up, life on hold, running into a wall over and over again and not getting anywhere. I have belonged to a website called Fertility Friend for almost 5 years now. First i started in the "TTC" (trying to concieve) section, then I moved onto "Medical Assistance", then a short stay (i relate this to being paroled in the "July Mommies" group, then to the "Loss" boards and final stop at the "Adoption" boards. I've met so many women who are going through similar (and not simlar) situations. And when one gets her baby, whether it be delivering her biological baby or being handed her adopted baby, everyone cheers because they understand you've finally been "released". Released from the pain of wanting what you can't have. Released from wondering "is this my month". It's very painful. Knowing our baby is coming fills us with so much hope. It's almost our turn.
I always say "I'm fine" when people ask, and I am, however there is still a very good chance I will not deliver a baby that I have grown and nurtured within me and that pain doesn't go away. I lost a baby and that was the hardest thing to go through, waiting for the due date to come and go was so long. I thought all the sadness would go away once i got through that day, but then i realized it's not just the loss of our baby it's the loss of a dream of having our children. And that's not easy to deal with, that doesn't just go away. I've said before i have hope that it might happen one day but i can't spend every day thinking about it, i'll go nuts but after so many years and so much medical intervetion...i don't know what will happen.
I thank God that adoption exists and we can have what we want while helping someone else. It's an amazing thing one we are both so unbelievably thankful for.
I know some might wonder why I write this blog, why i share my private thoughts. It might seem strange. I don't do it for pity, i've never asked for that, I do it so people understand.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
07/20/08 Picture Perfect
So a very funny thing happened while we were out shopping yesterday...we were in a store looking at furniture. I saw the furniture we wanted and I grabbed a catalog, as I am looking at it I glance over and see a stack of them, the picture on the cover gets my attention. At first I think it's a really cute picture, and then the most bizarre surreal feeling comes over me as I start to realize what I am looking at. I'm a bit confused and think I could be making this up, I turn to Jamie with a total look of shock and say "Is this my picture?". I am honestly thinking he is going to tell me I'm nuts, lol, but the look on his face said it all. We were staring at a picture of Jerry and Doreen's daughter Parker that I had taken last summer while camping!
You can not even begin to imagine the shock I am feeling at seeing my picture on the front cover of a catalog. It was insane!! Part of me was mad because no one asked my permission to use it, but the other part was truly soooo excited!!
The funny thing is is that had I not had the miscarriage we would have already bought the furniture and would have NEVER even known this exsited. It is the 2008 Pali baby furniture catalog, I found the 2007 one this morning from the last time we'd been shopping and there was a different baby on the front.
I post my pictures on a website for amateur photographers, people critique your photos and sometimes they do ask to use some, but that is the key you do need persmission to use someones photo, especially if it is of a person.
So not sure where to go from here, fortunately we are working with a lawyer right now so I'll see if she has any advice. I can't imagine anything will really come of it, but you never know. Jerry says if we get a million dollars we're all buying the Kaps house :)
This is the link to my photo
http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=838168
You can not even begin to imagine the shock I am feeling at seeing my picture on the front cover of a catalog. It was insane!! Part of me was mad because no one asked my permission to use it, but the other part was truly soooo excited!!
The funny thing is is that had I not had the miscarriage we would have already bought the furniture and would have NEVER even known this exsited. It is the 2008 Pali baby furniture catalog, I found the 2007 one this morning from the last time we'd been shopping and there was a different baby on the front.
I post my pictures on a website for amateur photographers, people critique your photos and sometimes they do ask to use some, but that is the key you do need persmission to use someones photo, especially if it is of a person.
So not sure where to go from here, fortunately we are working with a lawyer right now so I'll see if she has any advice. I can't imagine anything will really come of it, but you never know. Jerry says if we get a million dollars we're all buying the Kaps house :)
This is the link to my photo
http://www.sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=838168
07/20/08 Yesterday
Yesterday was the day we were supposed to meet our son. Yesterday ended the longest 9months of our entire lives.
It started a little rough. For a while we weren't sure what we were going to do on July 19th, going away was always a huge possiblity. However, since A's due date is so soon we figured a good way to spend the day would be preparing for our little girl. It was a good day. A few tears but we are happy to know the future looks bright.
We got a lot done yesterday from wash clothes to furniture, we're starting to feel pretty prepared. We spent today emptying out what will be her room and moving everything into the new office. Hung lots of my pictures, which is always fun!
Right now we're just waiting to call A and her mom for our weekly call. Hopefully she's not feeling anything in the way of contractions, it's still a little early!
It started a little rough. For a while we weren't sure what we were going to do on July 19th, going away was always a huge possiblity. However, since A's due date is so soon we figured a good way to spend the day would be preparing for our little girl. It was a good day. A few tears but we are happy to know the future looks bright.
We got a lot done yesterday from wash clothes to furniture, we're starting to feel pretty prepared. We spent today emptying out what will be her room and moving everything into the new office. Hung lots of my pictures, which is always fun!
Right now we're just waiting to call A and her mom for our weekly call. Hopefully she's not feeling anything in the way of contractions, it's still a little early!
Friday, July 18, 2008
07/18/08 Getting to know our Birthmother
It's HOT!!!!!!!!!!!! just had to get that out :)
I talked to A last night for 2 hours! That is about 1hr 55 minutes longer than I have ever talked to her before, mostly her mom does the talking. It was so great. We talked about so much from the baby, to delivery, her friends, family, the future, how she felt when she found out she was pregnant..on and on it was amazing. Oh listen to this, when she first found out she really wasn't considering an abortion just trying to figure out all her options, so she called a clinic and they told her if she brought her student id they would give her a $50 DISCOUNT! Are you kidding me?? She even said she was shocked and felt like they were promoting teens getting pregnant. Ridiculous.
Anyway, she's a wonderful person. She shared her concerns with me about us not staying in contact (letters & pictures), she said she just has to have faith that we will keep our word. I told her Jamie and I worry to that she will change her mind, but again we just have to have faith.
This is funny...she told me she is worried this baby girl will turn into a cheerleader since we live in the suburbs...haha and Jamie told her how he played golf the other day, and that made her even more worried. I totally had to laugh and tell her not to worry about the cheerleader thing!
What else...ohh, this is sweet...her dad gave her a disney blanket when she was little with baby minnie and baby mickey on it, she said it was her favorite...and she is packing it up to send home with us to give to the baby..i almost cried. She also said she is going to keep a journal of her life so when the baby is older maybe one day she'll want to read it and understand why she chose adoption and all the things about her life since. I think it's awesome. We have no problem with them meeting when she is older, it's completely her choice...honestly, I hope she does want to meet her because to me she seems like such an amazing person.
One of her friends is pregnant and does not have anything for the baby and due any day. Our birthmother says she doesn't agree with her keeping the baby since they have no way to ($$) to raise it but she feels bad her friend has nothing, so she went to the Thrift store and her bought her some baby clothes. Remember our BM is 15, and dealing with her own emotions and yet she is worried about her friend. She says she worries about everything and everyone (hmm, this baby might take after my dad!!)
I love that we chose to do private adoption vs using an agency it's so much more personal. I wish we lived closer so we could have met already but we've talked on the phone and email so much that I feel like I am getting to know her a little. It will be interesting to see in 15 years if our daughter reminds us of her.
Her mother has said this many times but she said it yesterday
"i'm the birthmother, ya'll are her mom and dad." *tear*
I talked to A last night for 2 hours! That is about 1hr 55 minutes longer than I have ever talked to her before, mostly her mom does the talking. It was so great. We talked about so much from the baby, to delivery, her friends, family, the future, how she felt when she found out she was pregnant..on and on it was amazing. Oh listen to this, when she first found out she really wasn't considering an abortion just trying to figure out all her options, so she called a clinic and they told her if she brought her student id they would give her a $50 DISCOUNT! Are you kidding me?? She even said she was shocked and felt like they were promoting teens getting pregnant. Ridiculous.
Anyway, she's a wonderful person. She shared her concerns with me about us not staying in contact (letters & pictures), she said she just has to have faith that we will keep our word. I told her Jamie and I worry to that she will change her mind, but again we just have to have faith.
This is funny...she told me she is worried this baby girl will turn into a cheerleader since we live in the suburbs...haha and Jamie told her how he played golf the other day, and that made her even more worried. I totally had to laugh and tell her not to worry about the cheerleader thing!
What else...ohh, this is sweet...her dad gave her a disney blanket when she was little with baby minnie and baby mickey on it, she said it was her favorite...and she is packing it up to send home with us to give to the baby..i almost cried. She also said she is going to keep a journal of her life so when the baby is older maybe one day she'll want to read it and understand why she chose adoption and all the things about her life since. I think it's awesome. We have no problem with them meeting when she is older, it's completely her choice...honestly, I hope she does want to meet her because to me she seems like such an amazing person.
One of her friends is pregnant and does not have anything for the baby and due any day. Our birthmother says she doesn't agree with her keeping the baby since they have no way to ($$) to raise it but she feels bad her friend has nothing, so she went to the Thrift store and her bought her some baby clothes. Remember our BM is 15, and dealing with her own emotions and yet she is worried about her friend. She says she worries about everything and everyone (hmm, this baby might take after my dad!!)
I love that we chose to do private adoption vs using an agency it's so much more personal. I wish we lived closer so we could have met already but we've talked on the phone and email so much that I feel like I am getting to know her a little. It will be interesting to see in 15 years if our daughter reminds us of her.
Her mother has said this many times but she said it yesterday
"i'm the birthmother, ya'll are her mom and dad." *tear*
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
07/16/08 When will she "legally" be ours?
Since the baby is coming from NC we have chosen to go by their laws, which are:
Once the baby is born and the birthmother signs consent (giving us physical custody) she has 7 days to change her mind for any reason whatsoever, and we must give her back :( HOWEVER, after those 7 days have expired, then that's it...she's ours. There is no legal recourse for the BM at that point.
The part that takes a while "finalization" has nothing to do with the BM. That is NC deeming we are fit parents. We will have about 2 visits from social workers to make sure everything is ok, if so they tell the courts and then the courts say she's ours. I believe that is around 60 days.
We have to stay in NC for upto 2 weeks after her birth, so pretty much when we come home the waiting, wondering and worrying are all over!! I honestly can't believe that moment is not that far away. 5 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once the baby is born and the birthmother signs consent (giving us physical custody) she has 7 days to change her mind for any reason whatsoever, and we must give her back :( HOWEVER, after those 7 days have expired, then that's it...she's ours. There is no legal recourse for the BM at that point.
The part that takes a while "finalization" has nothing to do with the BM. That is NC deeming we are fit parents. We will have about 2 visits from social workers to make sure everything is ok, if so they tell the courts and then the courts say she's ours. I believe that is around 60 days.
We have to stay in NC for upto 2 weeks after her birth, so pretty much when we come home the waiting, wondering and worrying are all over!! I honestly can't believe that moment is not that far away. 5 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
07/16/08 So proud!
haha...i just put together my very first baby stroller, all by myself! I'm sure Jamie is very relieved he won't have to do it!
So a little update: we talked to the birthmother and her mom on Sunday, everything is going along really well. It's funny I have talked to A (birthmother) a couple of times now, but only briefly, she doesn't say too much...well i guess atleast to me, Jamie had her on the phone for 45 minutes! He talked to her about the fact that she has friends that are pregnant, they are keeping them, he was curious what they thought about her placing for adoption. She said they all say to keep the baby, but she tells them there is a nice couple in NY that will provide her with all the things that she can not. I thought that was pretty comforting to hear that she feels that way.
I talked mostly to the mom who told me that they want both of us in the delivery room!! I was shocked. I was not going to bring that up, but she said A is the birthmother and we are her mom and dad, we should be there for her birth. WOW.
Honestly, A and her mom have been sooo wonderful, I really didn't know what to expect going into all of this, but at this point we couldn't be happier. :)
So a little update: we talked to the birthmother and her mom on Sunday, everything is going along really well. It's funny I have talked to A (birthmother) a couple of times now, but only briefly, she doesn't say too much...well i guess atleast to me, Jamie had her on the phone for 45 minutes! He talked to her about the fact that she has friends that are pregnant, they are keeping them, he was curious what they thought about her placing for adoption. She said they all say to keep the baby, but she tells them there is a nice couple in NY that will provide her with all the things that she can not. I thought that was pretty comforting to hear that she feels that way.
I talked mostly to the mom who told me that they want both of us in the delivery room!! I was shocked. I was not going to bring that up, but she said A is the birthmother and we are her mom and dad, we should be there for her birth. WOW.
Honestly, A and her mom have been sooo wonderful, I really didn't know what to expect going into all of this, but at this point we couldn't be happier. :)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
07/08/07 Bye Bye Rec Room
Sad news, they just tore down the Rec Room at the lake : ( So many good memories there!
We had a great weekend at the lake, the weather was gorgeous! I hung some of my pictures up in the Casino and Soda Fountain. Hopefully they sell, you never know but I did get a lot of nice feeback which was great!
Nothing new to report right now, the birthmothers next Dr's appt is Monday, she will be almost 35 weeks, so hopefully things are progressing nicely. Many people have asked if I will be in the delivery room, not sure. That conversation has yet to come up and I'm going to let her bring it up if she wants. She is only 15 and I'm sure her mother will be with her and it will be VERY emotional...not sure if it's my place.
So this is what happens when the baby arrives:
When she goes into labor they will call Jamie and I, we will hop in the car and head to NC. It's a 10 hour drive, which isn't too bad. Any time after the baby is born the birthmother can sign consent, basically saying we're the legal guardians ( or something like that). Once she does that and the baby is ready to leave the hospital, we take her home...or to our hotel in NC. If you are adopting a baby out of state you have to stay about a week. Then we come home! I have to double check with our lawyer I'm not sure if it's 60-90 days or 6 months (i've read both and every state is different) till the finalization, which means she is 100% ours. If the birthmother changes her mind after signing the consent but before finalization it goes to court and the judge decides who the best fit parents are. Hopefully none of that happens.
Nothing else really going on.
Congratulations to Mike & Kim, hope you are enjoying Hawaii. The wedding was awesome!
Congratulations to Kristin and Dan on the arrival of Collin!
We had a great weekend at the lake, the weather was gorgeous! I hung some of my pictures up in the Casino and Soda Fountain. Hopefully they sell, you never know but I did get a lot of nice feeback which was great!
Nothing new to report right now, the birthmothers next Dr's appt is Monday, she will be almost 35 weeks, so hopefully things are progressing nicely. Many people have asked if I will be in the delivery room, not sure. That conversation has yet to come up and I'm going to let her bring it up if she wants. She is only 15 and I'm sure her mother will be with her and it will be VERY emotional...not sure if it's my place.
So this is what happens when the baby arrives:
When she goes into labor they will call Jamie and I, we will hop in the car and head to NC. It's a 10 hour drive, which isn't too bad. Any time after the baby is born the birthmother can sign consent, basically saying we're the legal guardians ( or something like that). Once she does that and the baby is ready to leave the hospital, we take her home...or to our hotel in NC. If you are adopting a baby out of state you have to stay about a week. Then we come home! I have to double check with our lawyer I'm not sure if it's 60-90 days or 6 months (i've read both and every state is different) till the finalization, which means she is 100% ours. If the birthmother changes her mind after signing the consent but before finalization it goes to court and the judge decides who the best fit parents are. Hopefully none of that happens.
Nothing else really going on.
Congratulations to Mike & Kim, hope you are enjoying Hawaii. The wedding was awesome!
Congratulations to Kristin and Dan on the arrival of Collin!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
07/02/08 OH! A couple of things...
PLEASE don't say to us now that we are adopting we will get pregnant (although I'm sure it will be said, and don't feel bad!). Honestly, we know it happens and it happens alot, but you only hear of the times that it happens. How many couples adopt and never do get pregnant? You don't hear about those stories.
Maybe we will, maybe we won't but we don't want to think about that right now. We just want to be excited about THIS baby. This baby is just as important to us as any other that may come in the future.
While we (and our families) are so excited about this baby girl, please understand that we are also, soooo scared. As I said before there is always a chance that the birth mother may change her mind. I honestly don't think she will, but it's there, so we hesitate to get to excited. Yet at the same time, we're happy to finally have something to smile about!!
Thanks!! : )
Maybe we will, maybe we won't but we don't want to think about that right now. We just want to be excited about THIS baby. This baby is just as important to us as any other that may come in the future.
While we (and our families) are so excited about this baby girl, please understand that we are also, soooo scared. As I said before there is always a chance that the birth mother may change her mind. I honestly don't think she will, but it's there, so we hesitate to get to excited. Yet at the same time, we're happy to finally have something to smile about!!
Thanks!! : )
07/02/08 A view from the other side
So I made my way to Babies R Us today. We have not been there since we first registered a couple of months ago. It was a little weird. When we were there registering last time there was another couple next to us who was adopting. I remembering wondering what it was like to do all the "prep" work without that big ol belly, like how real did it feel to them that they were going to be parents? I guess now I know. Life is funny like that. The first time we saw Juno was when I was pregnant. We both pretty much bawled through the whole thing, we were both thinking "that was almost us"....the 2nd time we saw it, it was us. It doesn't sound very funny, but you have to laugh with life at times in order to survive it.
So there I am walking around BRU without my big ol belly, desperately trying to avoid the little boys section, somethings just don't get easier with time. I did find a really cute outfit for the baby that, of course, I just had to buy. When I went to check out at the register the guys handed me a gift receipt, I so wanted to explain to him that although I didn't look it, i was technically pregnant and this was for my baby...but I didn't need to, because I knew who it was for.
Someone asked me if I wished I had never been pregnant and had the loss, from my heart I said no. I always wanted to be pregnant, to experience my right as a woman, and I did. I honestly wouldn't change that, it was a lifetime experience. And there is something to be said for being able to talk and share with other women about pregnancy. I don't feel left out of that, I got to do it. Would i wish a different outcome, SURE! But i don't regret it. Now that I have had that, it's even more clear to me that the most important this is just having a family, not HOW I have that family.
You know, when you start trying to have a baby and you realize there might be some trouble conceiving you start to thinking about the importance of having your "own" baby. You start to worry that you will never see your eyes or your spouses eyes in that baby, or wonder if you will ever see either of your smiles. It's tough...reallllly tough. But as your start going through fertility treatments and the disappointments your priorities change, at least they did for us. We started to realize the only thing that was important was having a baby, a family.
Recently I was with a woman who found out some terrible news regarding her and her husbands chance of having their "own" (pc: biological baby) baby. It's so awful to have to go through this, I can not even begin to explain. I felt so sad for them. As she was talking about never seeing his eyes in their child, those around us kept looking at me to make sure I was ok. Much to my surprise I was. I know where she is coming from, I have been there....but now I'm here, we're here and we're finally going to have our family, and for us that is all that matters.
So there I am walking around BRU without my big ol belly, desperately trying to avoid the little boys section, somethings just don't get easier with time. I did find a really cute outfit for the baby that, of course, I just had to buy. When I went to check out at the register the guys handed me a gift receipt, I so wanted to explain to him that although I didn't look it, i was technically pregnant and this was for my baby...but I didn't need to, because I knew who it was for.
Someone asked me if I wished I had never been pregnant and had the loss, from my heart I said no. I always wanted to be pregnant, to experience my right as a woman, and I did. I honestly wouldn't change that, it was a lifetime experience. And there is something to be said for being able to talk and share with other women about pregnancy. I don't feel left out of that, I got to do it. Would i wish a different outcome, SURE! But i don't regret it. Now that I have had that, it's even more clear to me that the most important this is just having a family, not HOW I have that family.
You know, when you start trying to have a baby and you realize there might be some trouble conceiving you start to thinking about the importance of having your "own" baby. You start to worry that you will never see your eyes or your spouses eyes in that baby, or wonder if you will ever see either of your smiles. It's tough...reallllly tough. But as your start going through fertility treatments and the disappointments your priorities change, at least they did for us. We started to realize the only thing that was important was having a baby, a family.
Recently I was with a woman who found out some terrible news regarding her and her husbands chance of having their "own" (pc: biological baby) baby. It's so awful to have to go through this, I can not even begin to explain. I felt so sad for them. As she was talking about never seeing his eyes in their child, those around us kept looking at me to make sure I was ok. Much to my surprise I was. I know where she is coming from, I have been there....but now I'm here, we're here and we're finally going to have our family, and for us that is all that matters.
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