So I made my way to Babies R Us today. We have not been there since we first registered a couple of months ago. It was a little weird. When we were there registering last time there was another couple next to us who was adopting. I remembering wondering what it was like to do all the "prep" work without that big ol belly, like how real did it feel to them that they were going to be parents? I guess now I know. Life is funny like that. The first time we saw Juno was when I was pregnant. We both pretty much bawled through the whole thing, we were both thinking "that was almost us"....the 2nd time we saw it, it was us. It doesn't sound very funny, but you have to laugh with life at times in order to survive it.
So there I am walking around BRU without my big ol belly, desperately trying to avoid the little boys section, somethings just don't get easier with time. I did find a really cute outfit for the baby that, of course, I just had to buy. When I went to check out at the register the guys handed me a gift receipt, I so wanted to explain to him that although I didn't look it, i was technically pregnant and this was for my baby...but I didn't need to, because I knew who it was for.
Someone asked me if I wished I had never been pregnant and had the loss, from my heart I said no. I always wanted to be pregnant, to experience my right as a woman, and I did. I honestly wouldn't change that, it was a lifetime experience. And there is something to be said for being able to talk and share with other women about pregnancy. I don't feel left out of that, I got to do it. Would i wish a different outcome, SURE! But i don't regret it. Now that I have had that, it's even more clear to me that the most important this is just having a family, not HOW I have that family.
You know, when you start trying to have a baby and you realize there might be some trouble conceiving you start to thinking about the importance of having your "own" baby. You start to worry that you will never see your eyes or your spouses eyes in that baby, or wonder if you will ever see either of your smiles. It's tough...reallllly tough. But as your start going through fertility treatments and the disappointments your priorities change, at least they did for us. We started to realize the only thing that was important was having a baby, a family.
Recently I was with a woman who found out some terrible news regarding her and her husbands chance of having their "own" (pc: biological baby) baby. It's so awful to have to go through this, I can not even begin to explain. I felt so sad for them. As she was talking about never seeing his eyes in their child, those around us kept looking at me to make sure I was ok. Much to my surprise I was. I know where she is coming from, I have been there....but now I'm here, we're here and we're finally going to have our family, and for us that is all that matters.
1 comment:
I just wanted to say that I read your post on FF about "your story" and was moved so, so much that I had to come here and start reading your blog.
I've only read these first two entries so far but I feel like the strength and beauty of you shines through already and I feel such a connection with you - the connection of someone who is walking a hard path has to someone who has walked it already and come out the other side. It is moving and inspiring and I just wanted to thank you for sharing.
I bet there are so many women who have been touched by your story but who don't comment. I just wanted to let you know that someone is reading.
I feel like the love you have in your family is so beautiful and so big that it has seeped out through your posts and touched me, and I feel grateful for having felt it.
Thank you.
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