Jamie and I were watching a show last night called "Locked Up Abroad", really interesting show. On this episode this girl gets busted for trying to smuggle heroin and she gets sent to jail. She believes it will be a short stay and just can not comprehend what is happening. Someone from the US Embassy comes to check on her once a month, but there is nothing he can do to help her. She finally starts to accept the life she has, she starts talking with the other women, creating friendships and learning from them. Then one day after 4 1/2 yrs she gets a letter from a Congressman who said he heard about her and is trying to get her released. She can't believe this is real but she finally has hope. Shortly there after she is released from prison. As she is leaving the prison, all the women are so excited for her, they're all hugging and crying, one of them is getting out and gets to move on with her life.
So why am I telling you this? Because after watching that episode i turned to Jamie and said "This might not translate right, but i feel like I've been in prison for the last couple of years." He knew exactly what I meant. Don't get me wrong it's not as dramatic as that, but i defintely feel like i've been sort of locked up, life on hold, running into a wall over and over again and not getting anywhere. I have belonged to a website called Fertility Friend for almost 5 years now. First i started in the "TTC" (trying to concieve) section, then I moved onto "Medical Assistance", then a short stay (i relate this to being paroled in the "July Mommies" group, then to the "Loss" boards and final stop at the "Adoption" boards. I've met so many women who are going through similar (and not simlar) situations. And when one gets her baby, whether it be delivering her biological baby or being handed her adopted baby, everyone cheers because they understand you've finally been "released". Released from the pain of wanting what you can't have. Released from wondering "is this my month". It's very painful. Knowing our baby is coming fills us with so much hope. It's almost our turn.
I always say "I'm fine" when people ask, and I am, however there is still a very good chance I will not deliver a baby that I have grown and nurtured within me and that pain doesn't go away. I lost a baby and that was the hardest thing to go through, waiting for the due date to come and go was so long. I thought all the sadness would go away once i got through that day, but then i realized it's not just the loss of our baby it's the loss of a dream of having our children. And that's not easy to deal with, that doesn't just go away. I've said before i have hope that it might happen one day but i can't spend every day thinking about it, i'll go nuts but after so many years and so much medical intervetion...i don't know what will happen.
I thank God that adoption exists and we can have what we want while helping someone else. It's an amazing thing one we are both so unbelievably thankful for.
I know some might wonder why I write this blog, why i share my private thoughts. It might seem strange. I don't do it for pity, i've never asked for that, I do it so people understand.
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